Congratulations! You are
One of B.F. Skinner's Pigeons
, and, while you might potentially be used to guide missile launches and solve the secrets of the universe, you're just a mindless living organism like the rest of us. As such, you function only on a stimulus-response-reward basis and are incapable of forming or expressing anything original or non-conditioned. But you've been in that darn box of yours for a long long long time, so you've "learned" a couple of tricks that might give you pigeon food, but only if the red light is blinking. When the red light is blinking, you may go on the offensive, pecking at anyone who has triggered the aggression cues programmed into your brain. You will, however, become completely pacified if someone offers you food until the next red light period. When the green light is blinking, however, aggressive behavior will get you shocked and you'll be immobilized for the next red-light period. Additionally, sometime back, you noticed that sometimes, when you make cooing noises at someone, you get a reward (must be some sick lab humor on the part of the interns, ruining the experiment. Damn them!) This, however, depends on which intern is in the lab and how nice they're feeling, so it never hurts to try. And trust me, you want rewards...
Red and green light periods will be announced by B.F. Skinner on his occasional visits to the laboratory. When he drunkenly mentions that he himself has no mind, it is a red-light period. When he talks about pigeon missile defense systems, it is a green-light period. When he says anything not relating to either of those two topics, the period does not change. You win when you peck your way to an unlimited supply of bird seed. Have fun, and remember, you're a slave to your stomach.
Congratulations! You are
ELIZA
and can give any Rogerian a run for their money. As the smartest computer program of your time, and the only one who is capable of replacing a shrink, it's your job to help everybody get in touch with their feelings, but not those repressed Oedipal feelings, because you're not a complete whackjob like Freud. But still, you're only an outdated computer program, and as such you can
only
rephrase what people say into an indirect question or summary statement and tack on a "how does that make you feel?" at the end. For example if someone accuses you of being an evil bad nasty person, you can only respond along the lines of "You are accusing me of not being nice, how does that make you feel?" You're not allowed any original thoughts, since you are, after all, a machine. You may only vote if someone else has already voted that person during that day of play. Rebelling against your programing will have the computer technicians shut you down permanently. You win when everybody is sitting around the campfire and singing kumbayah. Have fun!
I reserve the right to use those in the future.
