The Sixth Annual Scummie Awards (Now With Extra Nonsense!)

[mith]

Fade to a shot outside the auditorium, where hundreds of rabid media, fans, and minions line the red carpet waiting for their favourite Mafia celebrity to arrive. On location this year is Brandi, filling in for Rainbow Brite this year (who went missing a week ago, coincidentally around the same time as Seol's "accident"; the tabloids have spent that time speculating that either Rainbow Brite tried to kill Seol and is now on the run, or they are having an affair and she is visiting him in the hospital, though no conclusive photographic evidence has yet surfaced to support either theory). Ostensibly, Brandi is covering the red carpet and interviewing players as they arrive, though so far she has mostly just hugged everyone in sight.

(Camera Guy):

Psst. Brandi. We're live.

Brandi:

What? Oh, right! Live! Er... welcome, everyone! I'm Brandi, and we're live on the red carpet, waiting for the next big name to arrive. It's pretty crazy out here, and... hey, what's going on over there?

Brandi:

It appears we have some sort of protest going on, here at the Scummies! What could this be about? Perhaps one of the protesters will give us a word. Excuse me...

Brandi walks over to one of the angry protesters and, rather than immediately sticking a microphone in his face, she gives him a big hug. This serves to confuse and pacify him to some degree, allowing Brandi to get out her question without getting yelled at.

Brandi:

Sir, you and your friends are making quite a scene here outside the Scummies, could you possibly tell us what you're protesting.

Protester:

Er... uh... well, you see, we're protesting the Title Fairy...

Other Protesters (chanting):

We Want Titles! We Want Titles!

Brandi:

I see... but, what has the Title Fairy done that you are complaining about exactly?

Other Protesters (chanting):

Quote Pyramids are Free Speech!

Protester:

The so-called Title Fairy has abused his power for the last time!

Other Protester (shouting):

There he is! Get him!

The protesters all surge toward the figure starting down the red carpet, tackling him and hitting him with their signs. Brandi shakes her head, muttering something (possible "moar hugs"), and goes in search of someone else to interview.

Brandi:

Ooh, arriving now is one of my favourite Scummers, Thok... hey, wait a minute...

Brandi runs over to Thok and thrusts her microphone in his face.

Brandi:

Weren't you just brutally beaten?

Thok:

I... wha?

Brandi:

Obviously not. How do you, sir, then explain that I just saw you get attacked?

Thok:

...er...

Brandi:

That's exactly what I though. You are clearly hiding something! Guards, terrorist! Get him!

Thok:

But I...

The guards drag Thok off to put him in a holding cell. Meanwhile, the protesters have realized their mistake, but it is too late.

Adel:

Hey! That's

my

fairy. No one beats him but me!

The protesters scatter away from Oman and Adel chases them with a whip. She catches one poor soul, and the camera immediately shifts back to Brandi. Screams can be heard off-camera. Brandi tries to wrap things up while occasionally glancing in that direction, unable to look away.

Brandi:

Well, that's it for... aah, that's got to... ooh... for the red carpet, let's find someone else to talk to... no, don't do... oh no... make it stop, make it stop...

---

New for this year's Scummies: Participate interactively! Write in your own appearance on the red carpet... go!

Also: One of the protesters above is obvscum. Be the 57th to figure out why, win a (possibly nonexistent) prize!

[mith]

Disclaimer: The following is a live broadcast of mafiascum.net. It was not taped in advance. It was definitely not written in a script-like manner in advance, and mafiascum.net is not liable for any hallucinations you may experience suggesting otherwise. This broadcast may not be reproduced without the express written consent of Tony Soprano. Please turn off your mobile phone. Side effects may include insomnia, loss of appetite, dry mouth, and nibblerization. Any disappointment resulting from the viewing of this broadcast is entirely your fault. You have been warned.

(Announcer):

, , and ?, welcome to the Sixth Annual Scummie Awards, coming to you live from a secret location which was nevertheless somehow found by all these people in the audience. And now, your host, the Godfather himself... mith!

mith walks out, smiling and waving to the crowd as he strides across the stage to the main podium. The applause continues for an unusually long time; in fact, it gets louder after mith signals for the audience to settle down. He doesn't realize that this is because on the screen behind him, Oprah is holding up a sign informing the audience that she is giving them all free booze.

mith:

Good evening... thank you, good evening minions and underlings and welcome to the show. We've got a terrific show tonight, and I hope you'll enjoy it. This year we have more categories than ever, and seven judges have worked hard behind the scenes to go over all the nominations and determine winners. Let's give them a hand...

There is more clapping. This might be related more to Oprah now giving out free iPhones than to what mith is actually saying.

mith:

You know, 2008 was a great year, though not without difficulties... we survived the Great Nibbler Takeover mostly intact, we had to "say goodbye" to a few users for various reasons, and of course it was our last full year on bluehost. I know many of you miss the Grey Screen of Death already.

For a lot of you, bluehost was all you knew until we switched early this year, though of course some of the old timers will remember previous hosts and software. We are actually currently on our fourth different hosting situation. Fifth, if you count the time we tried hooking MeMe directly into the internet. She still has fits whenever someone holds up a ethernet cable around her...

Anyway, in spite of our difficulties with them, bluehost will forever be a part of our history, and so we've put together a short film to honour them tonight, as we say goodbye once and for all...

The lights dim, and Oprah disappears from the screen just as mith turns to watch. A different woman appears, and some will recognize her as...

Woman:

Hello, friends. You may recognize me as Echo from the new TV program,

Dollhouse

. In fact, I have been specially imprinted today, and it is more correct to say I am now an avatar for bluehost. mith has spared no expense to bring me here so that I can say a few parting words, and...

"bluehost" is cut off as something orange, black, and white streaks across the view and latches on to her neck. There is a split second of strangled screaming before the screen quickly cuts off and goes to a test signal.

mith:

Oh, my. What a tragedy. It would seem the tigers have once again attacked. Poor bluehost. I had thought that the location was secure, I cannot possible fathom how the tigers could have found out about... oh, well, never mind. C'est la vie. Let's take a quick break, we'll be back with the first awards of the evening after this message...

[mith]

Twelve Contestants
Eleven Weeks
One Winner

Karaoke Idol

Coming this Summer, only on TIGER.

[mith]

mith:

Welcome back to the Scummies, 2008. It's time for our first set of awards, and as is traditional, our judges will each be presenting some of the awards they voted on. First up we have the newest of the group, CarnCarn!

CarnCarn walks to the podium to respectful applause, though of course a few jokers hold up "Who's CarnCarn?" signs.

CarnCarn:

Thank you, everyone. It has been an honour to be selected this year as a judge for the Scummies, and I think I speak for all the judges when I say that this was a very difficult task, as there were many deserving games which were nominated.

The first award which I have the pleasure of presenting is the "Paperback Writer" Award for the Tastiest Flavor. The winner this year is... destructor, for his excellent Nubigena Mafia!

destructor's Nubigena

---

As the group of twelve came near the remains of Mother's, they noticed someone moving in the rubble through the moonlight. Enki, the old Mystic, came crawling out, drenched in water and the blood that ran from the bullet wound in his chest. He pulled himself forward before turning to face the gathered crowd. Through shallow, interrupted breaths he spoke.

"So it ended. So it begins," he said, eyes starting to close and his head unsteady, as if he was falling asleep. Becoming alert, he spoke again, now with a certain determination, "The trails of Nubigena are not over. There remain amongst you those that seek this town as their own. They will destroy all that stand in their way unless they are stopped! It is not for me to say whose end is more worthy, but only that an end must be met and blood will be spilt to meet it. This, it was seen and has been foreseen in all times past!"

Enki stopped. One by one, he looked deeply into the eyes of all the twelve gathered then spoke one last time.

"All prophesies end here. In destruction comes renewal and rebirth. The future of Nubigena now lies in your hands. Make of it what you will."

With that, Enki lay down and closed his eyes, his life finally leaving his body.

---

CarnCarn:

Unfortunately, destructor could not be here tonight to accept his award, as mith had him locked in a room after seeing the length and complexity of his acceptance speech, but he'll receive the award later. Next up we have the "Professor Mafia" Award for Contribution to Mafia Discussion. This was one of the easier decisions this year, not because of a lack of contributors, but because one name stood out as being truly prolific in her contributions. The award goes to... Adel!

Adel in Mafia Discussion

---

Does anyone want to organize and datamine the hell out of the archive with me?

---

To help inform debate over what ideas could/should be tried out in the future, I thought it would be a good thing to collect all of the threads related to Newbie game policy that date from Mr. Flay's tenure.

---

What evidence exists that mafia isn't random B.S.?

---

I will devote, as a form of community service, an amount of time equal to at least 25% of the time I spend on this site to the development of mafia theory in MD, or working on the wiki, or whichever other causes I personally deem worthy.

---

Adel:

Thank you. To celebrate this award, you're all invited to my Basement later, where...

CENSORED

CarnCarn (blushing):

Er... thank you, Adel. Ahem. The third and final award I am presenting tonight is the "Rookie of the Year" Award for Most Outstanding New Player. As the Newbie List Mods, Game Mods, and ICs will no doubt attest, we have an incredible number of new players coming to the site, more each year, and that makes this award one of the more competitive. There are lots of deserving players, but this year's winner is... LlamaFluff!

LlamaFluff in Mini 595

---

I may just be increadably stubborn (and I know BM is going QFT just the start of this or something) but I really dont think FS is scum. It just doesnt seem to fit in the situations im playing out. I think by all reasonable standards I should of been the NK the first night, or at very least the second night. I was one of the inital pushes on the ZS wagon while making it perfectly clear SG was my next lynch. D2 I carried through my SG attack to a lynch and claimed mason. I think almost any scum would of taken me out by now, the only two that I think may not of would of been jas (for lack of knowing whats going on) and alvinz (for his power role theory).

FS is one of my most town at this point along with, ex-amor, BM and IM, CKD keeps dancing that line too. I think the last scum is either jas or alvinz, FS just doesnt fit the puzzle.

---

CarnCarn:

Is LlamaFluff here tonight? I know there was some confusion with the Alpacas backstage... oh, well, we'll make sure he gets his award as well. Congratulations to all three of you... and now I believe we have a special presentation?

The camera zooms in on the screen behind CarnCarn, with the view soon entirely dominated by the screen as it comes to life. In the center the screen is molestargazer, wearing a suit, standing in front of a gallows. Behind him are seven people arguing with one another. They appear to be in a large warehouse.

molestargazer:

Hi folks! That's right, it's the Scummies again, and our producers thought we should take some time out to try and examine WHY we all really love the game of Mafia! Behind me are several brave volunteers who were volunteered - uh, who volunteered to play the game of Mafia FOR REAL! So whilst they're discussing who to lynch on Day One of our game, feel free to send in your comments on why you love mafia! Text in your reasons to 10366, or just email us at scummies@mafiascum.net!

It seems Day One is drawing to a close - oh, my!

A group of four players is dragging another towards the gallows, chanting "SCUM! SCUM!". The player who is about to be lynched looks at the announcer.

CarnCarn:

I don't want to die! I want to stop! What are they doing?! Why are you letting them?! SOMEBODY HELP! HELP!

---

Meanwhile, on stage...

mith:

Hey, wait a minute... CarnCarn was just here! How did he... this doesn't make any sense! Who wrote this crap, anyway?

---

CarnCarn is dragged to the gallows. A rope is placed around his neck, and his arms and held by armlx's bulging muscles. The lever is pulled, and he drops. His neck snaps, and he falls silent.

molestargazer:

And that's the end of it for CarnCarn! Now, to see if we were right...

All the players look towards a large screen on a wall near where they were arguing. One word, bolded and coloured in green, flashes up:

TOWNIE

The players murmur amongst themselves, then walk off to individual rooms. Lights in the building all switch off, except those surrounding the announcer.

molestargazer:

Well, what a plot twist that was! CarnCarn has been lynched on Day 1, and has come up as town. How will the players react? The mafia are currently choosing their nightkill.

In the meantime, let's see what your ideas are on why you love mafia!
"freedrugs3495" from Russia says "I love mafia for it's debating and logical thought", "The Queen" from England says "It's just fantastic fun trying to hide your identity as scum", and "Pop Tart" from Oberon says "Mafia's great because it takes up all my time and removes a need for a social life"! Thank you to you three, and we'll have more lat...

There is a gunshot. A shadowy figure is seen dragging a body from one of the rooms to the discussion area.

molestargazer:

The Mafia have made their choice. The lights are switching on, and the group are now going to see who has died... it's Fritzler!

The screen flashes up:

TOWNIE

molestargazer:

That's another townie down, with only 5 players left in the game. Already, it's Lynch-or-Lose for the...

Sirens are heard drawing up to the warehouse.

Someone Shouting:

It's the police! Run!

molestargazer:

Oh, damn...

The announcer turns to run. Shouting is heard. The camera is dropped, and a view of the cameraman's fleeing legs are seen before the camera crashes, and signal turns to static...

[mith]

[mith]

mith:

We're back. At this time, we'd like to take a moment for a special presentation; we do this every year, and this year I thought it appropriate to place this segment after the "Rookie of the Year" Award. It's the circle of life, or the internet, or something like that. As the new come in, so too do some depart. Let's take a moment of silence,

In Memoriam

, to remember all those who have left us in the past year, represented by this sample of avatars.

mith:

Sigh... come on, guys. That's just disrespectful.

DrippingGoofball:

You

asked

me to do that.

mith:

Who ever listens to me??

Talitha:

What? Did someone just say something?

mith:

Very funny. We're getting sidetracked here. Where was I? Oh, yes. To all those who are gone: We miss you, and we hope you stop by again some day. So that we can lynch you.

And now, our next judge to present some more awards... Yosarian2!

Yosarian2 comes on to the stage, and half the audience predictably holds up "I agree with Yosarian2" signs. The other half is asleep.

Yosarian2:

Hi, everyone. I'll be quick, I've got a dozen more insightful comments to post tonight for you all to agree with. So, here we go. The first award is the "Rube Goldberg" Award for Best Setup. The winner is... Guardian, for iPick!

Guardian's iPick

---

Kison and Lawrencelot vote each other... They stand in silence, waiting for something to happen... and then something does.

I rush towards Kison and with one swing of my axe, shave his head clean off. Blood splatters everywhere... Kison is dead.

Kison was just what he said he was, the Triforce of Power. The Triforce of Power being scum doesn't make sense. Lawrencelot chuckles a bit with glee. The Scientifically, Historically, and Politically Astute Unesurrectable Gossip Monger made it through to the end -- the last one standing! Or was he...

Suddenly, he is able to see someone who was there all along... Someone who has been lurking in the shadows, subtly influencing the game... DrippingGoofBall, Harry Potter, suddenly appears, with a grim smile on his face.

A Scientifically, Historically, and Politically Astute Unesurrectable Gossip Monger being scum makes sense... so then... it couldn't be scum? Or could it? Whatever doesn't make sense does.... but... oh, how does it all work!?

And Harry Potter... Harry being here all the time as scum doesn't make sense.... but then that would mean Harry was an existentialist? How did Harry work?

And the poor Triforce of Power... as an existentialist... that's so natural. Does it being that obvious make any sense!?

Ah, this is so complicated...

Let's see. If SHaPAUGM is scum, that wouldn't make sense, but it wouldn't make sense as town, either. Wait, does that make sense? No! So Lawrence must be town...

Now Harry... if Harry is scum... that would violate rule 9.75! That makes sense! Right?

But... The Triforce of Power... being scum... would that make any sense? Yes, yes it would!

Kison, Triforce of Power, Post Restriction Giver, is lynched day 5!

The doesn't make sense town wins -- congratulations!

---

Yosarian2:

Next we have a crowd favorite, the "Flying Pumpkin that Shoots Lazers out of its Ass" Award for Best Role. And the winner is... Tarhalindur, for Haruhi Suzimiya!

Tarhalindur's Haruhi Suzimiya

---

<This. Is. Cool.

For the last three years, you've been bored with the world, bored with the dullness of humanity. Now you find yourself in a world beyond your wildest imagination, a world where anything is possible.

You love it. This is where you belong. In fact, you're getting so excited that you're going to bring everyone else here with you to search for all the strange and inexplicable things. After all, in a place like this, there's got to be aliens, time travelers, and espers, right?

Only problem is, you haven't been able to find Kyon yet. If there's anyone who needs to see this, it's him.>

Welcome to Mind Screw Mafia, PLAYERNAME. You are Haruhi Suzumiya (from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya"). For three years you've been searching for the inexplicable, the strange, the weird... something that isn't boring like the normal world. Now you've found it, and you've got lots of people to share the fun with!

You are a Townie Dreaming God. You have the following special ability:

Dreams of Reality - Each night, you MUST choose to use any one of the following ten 1-shot abilities (if possible). You're not entirely sure what the abilities will do, but it's sure to be fun, so why not?

Your abilities are as follows: Whack A Mole, Hickory Dickory Dock, International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Political Campaign, Ghost Story, SOS-dan Recruitment Day, School Festival, Class Trip, Student Council Election, Count of Monte Cristo

You win when all other factions are dead, or nothing can prevent the same.

Please confirm via return PM.

---

Yosarian2:

I'm afraid Tarhalindur is out of the country; there are only so many locations where he can legally construct his next Mind Screw experiment. Now, last but not least, we have the "Goodfellas" Award for Best Performance by a Team. The winners are... the Town of Mushroom Kingdom!

The Town of Mushroom Kingdom

---

A red sun rises over the Mushroom Kingdom. The town gathers together, and counts three heads less than when they went to sleep. The town buries the burned bodies of skitzer, mnowax and Natirasha, after making sure they know their identities. mnowax and Natirasha were Toads, but skitzer only looked like a Toad: he was in fact a Parakoopa, one of the soldiers of Bowser's army. Was he the last threat to the Mushroom Kingdom?

The town decides to pull off their masks and show their true nature. Some of them had already claimed who they are, like Mario and his brother, and Toadsworth. But when Surye put away his disguise, they saw he was a Lakitu, another soldier of Bowser's army! "No worries," said Surye, "Bowser's army had way less coins than the Mushroom Kingdom, so I'm on your side." Indeed, Lakitus aren't always of the fiendish type like Koopas and Goombas, some of them even helped Mario in his adventures.

But everything that matters now, is that the Princess is safe, and so is the Mushroom Kingdom. The Toads go back to their calm lives, and Mario and his friends await their next adventure.

---

The audience applauds again politely as the winners come up on to the stage, but among them is cicero, who pushes his way through them.

Yosarian2:

cicero? What are you doing up here? You didn't win anything.

cicero:

I know! That's why I am here! What is the meaning of this? How can you not award me something?

Yosarian2:

You weren't even nominated in any of these categories...

cicero (ignoring him):

My whole world view is shattered. That's so unyosarian of you. How can I ever agree with you again?

Yosarian2:

Well, it's ok to disagree with me sometimes... I mean, not very often, but, you know, once in a while...

cicero collapses to his knees, weeping openly. Yosarian2 isn't sure what to do, so he reaches out a hand to console cicero. Suddenly, cicero whips out a pistol from somewhere hidden in his tuxedo and points it at Yosarian2.

Fortunately for the audience at home, the time delay allows the network to avoid showing Yosarian2's brains splattered all over the stage, and we cut to a commercial...

[mith]

[mith]

In the balcony...

Statler:

It's past my bedtime, when is this show going to be over?

Waldorf:

Probably about the time we move to phpbb3.

---

Choose Your Own Scummies Adventure! If you think that joke deserves a rimshot, press 15. If you think that joke deserves a groan, press 37. If you are xyzzy or always select the humourous third option, press 28.

---

mith:

Presenting the next set of awards, please welcome to the stage... Lord Gurgi!

Lord Gurgi:

Blah blah blah... hey, who is messing with the teleprompter?

(Teleprompter...ist):

I'm tired of writing this thing!

Lord Gurgi:

Get over it. And stop trying to break the fourth wall. It won't work. No matter how utterly ridiculous and self-referential this thing becomes... what do you think is going to happen? It'll stop? There's no escape! Don't you get it? We're along for the ride until it's over.

The audience isn't sure what to make of this, so several of them decide to go to the facilities. Pollsters are standing by to question them on their anatomy and bathroom habits. Crowd fillers, some looking suspiciously... stripy... take their places to prop up the illusion of a full auditorium.

Lord Gurgi:

With that in mind... The "George W. Bush" Award for Funniest Role Claim goes to... Awesome Pants, for his claim in Newbie 516!

Awesome Pants in Newbie 516

---

Dear Townies,

I don't think it's ethical to lie any more than I have, and vastly wrong to do so to my own friends, so I'll just admit who I am and hope that you can see through my ghastly role PM to my true colours. I'm calling upon the spirit of all you good natured townies to keep me alive.

I believe that, given time, I can be a valuable asset to the town. I have a wide range of skills, including being able to talk during night (albeit, recently it's just been to myself) as well as being exceptionally good at stabbing people.

All I'm asking for is a chance, I promise that I'll try and refrain myself from killing anyone at night, as well as stopping with all the lies. Although I'm not actually a doctor, I think I have the motivation and determination to succeed in that direction, if that is the path the townspeople wish for me to follow.

I am also very sorry for the murder of Booker and Incognito, and hope that you can realise that it was very much against my wishes to brutally kill them, although, having said that I must say that my stabbing prowess was brilliant on both counts. I hope that you can also realise that my friend and comrade, Crub, was also prematurely taken away from me and that part of my motives and anger at the town was because of this.

I hope that we can all have a long talk over a coffee or two, and promise that I will not bring any knifes to the meeting, nor will I attempt to stab using any kitchen utensils avaliable at the time.

Also, as a sign of good faith, here is an artist's (yes, yet another skill I possess!) representation of how I vision we will be living together in a short time!



All in all, I hope that you all can consider this proposal before needlessly spilling more blood. I am happy for any questions to be directed at me regarding my work ethic and emotional status. I am also single, and very good looking as the picture above clearly shows.

Yours in good faith,

Your local mafia scumbag,


Awesome Pants

---

Lord Gurgi:

Unfortunately for Awesome Pants, "happily ever after" is just for fairy tales and poorly designed games. Next we have the "Johnny Cochrane" Award for Best Role Claim. The winner is... Claus!

Claus in Akatsuki

---

Well, the cat is out of the bag know, so I might as well claim.

I'm Zetsu, the Akatsuki Spy - a neutral.

My win condition is that I have to eliminate 3 Akatsuki by my own hands (not lynching) before dying. The flavor is that I'm a loner and a cannibal - I'm using the confusion caused by the struggle between loyalists and rebels to fullfill my own agenda. If I can kill that number of ninjas, I'll improve my "meld with objects" skill, which mean that when I die, I just get away and leave the game.

So, I guess I won. You can vig/lynch me now if that will give you a sense of fulfillment,

Also, this is why I was pushing for the "vig, not lynch" policy - I wanted to be the executioner. Because if you think about it, Battousai is right, there is no real reason not to lynch - people can rearrange their blocks after every lynch, and I bet the town's power roles also get to go after lynchings.

Finally, I actually do think Sleepy is a rebel - while his "modkill him!" pleas confirm it to me, the way that he pushed after my death using wifom, and the way he tried to tie me and battousai together just smells of opportunism. While I have my own win condition, I think I owed it to the town to try and kill a scum with my last killing after having hit townies by mistake two times in a row. The "report" was just a joke - It's a game folks! .

Go Town/Rebels! *goes to grab some popcorn*:-D

---

Lord Gurgi:

One more award, and then I can get the hell out of here...

JDodge:

Uh... LG? Why don't you have any pants on?

Lord Gurgi:

Really? My pants? Come on!

(Voice):

You're supposed to say that someone with the manipulation skill of our next award winner must have talked them off of you.

Lord Gurgi:

But that's

stupid

.

(Voice):

We know. Say it.

Lord Gurgi:

Or what?

Several thugs hired from Team Asshat edge toward the stage looking menacing.

Lord Gurgi:

Gulp. Can I just say one thing?

(Voice):

What?

Lord Gurgi:

You suck. Also, the "Don Corleone" Award for ow! Best Manipulator hey cut it out! is... Kison!

Kison in iPick

---

Because, Xtoxm, this game doesn't make sense. I left a .1% window that he is not scum, and I'm a very cautious type of guy. Discussion does not hurt. His insistence that he targeted me only makes me more certain, however. For one, I am alive yet I have no self protecting ability that I am aware of and you have not stated that you protected me. Secondly, I see two arrows linking him to a player he claims not to have targeted. And judging by Lawrencelot's reaction, my results contradict what Rogueben is claiming. Convenient for a guy who has failed to provide us a unique dead body 3 days in a row when he is supposedly forced to kill.

---

While the highlights roll, Lord Gurgi runs off stage and is chased by Team Asshat, who finally catch up to him. They simultaneously leap on him, and it's a repeat of one of those cartoon fights where it becomes a big ball of dust and fists and none of the attackers can see anything, allowing Lord Gurgi to slip away. Then, an anvil crushes him.

---

molestargazer (whisper):

The game continues, from a new secret location! Let's check in on the town, in a precarious lynch-or-lose situation...

KaleiÃ

[mith]

[mith]

mith:

And we're back. The next judge to present some awards is forbiddanlight. Come on out... I'm sure it's just a coincidence that all the other judges are dead...

forbiddanlight:

Uh... thanks, mith. I think. This whole show has taken on an ominous, scary tone, hasn't it? You know what? Let's lighten the mood a little bit. The next award is the "Coffee on the Monitor" Award for Funniest Player. That award goes to... Skruffs!

Skruffs in Mini 607

---

Okay, meaningless appeals to emotion aside, you are insinuating that players should not use their investigative roles to catch scum, and that the lynches should be based solely on the idea that the investigative roles already HAVE caught scum. You are saying that I am trying to "Scare the town".

BOOGEDY BOOGEDY BOOGEDY TOWN!!!


YES IT IS ME!!! I AM TRYING TO SCARE YOU! WITH THE IDEA OF THINKING FOR YOURSELVES!!!!

Fortunately you have Raging Rabbit and ZeekTLK, your "Shepherds" , to GUIDE y ou through this Horrible, HORRIBLE situation! You don't have to worry about finding scum! You don't have to worry about even who to investigate! Zeek and Raging RAbbit will make sure that NONE of you have to make ANY decisions for YOURSELVES, because they already have who you should vote for and investigate mapped out for the next two days!

Are you afraid of investigating scuma nd having to figure out your sanity, ON YOUR OWN??? Don't cry little ones!! We can all target a confirmed townie, Aimless! Aimless won't hurt you, not like those SCARY MAFIAS will!

Little BobbySue: "My mommy told me that I choose to investigate someone OTHER than Aimless, that the BOOGEYMAN will come and give me a HYSTERECTOMY!"

Little Jimmy: "My cousin Joe thought that this ONE guy was scum, so HE investigated him, and he had TWO results and one was different than the other!!! HE couldn't figure out which one was right so he wound up shooting himself IN THE HEAD. I hope *I* never have to confirm my sanity independantly!"

Don't worry kids, you won't! Why, maybe if Raging Rabbit gets his way, we can ALL target Aimless tonight, and then we'll NEVER REVEAL OUR RESULTS to ANYONE. You won't even have to check your inbox to see what your result was, because Raging RAbbit thinks that would be BAD FOR THE TOWN. Information is DANGEROUS!!!

---

forbiddanlight:

Not all of Mafia is fun and games, of course. Sometimes you've got to catch the scums. Each year we recognize one player who has displayed a particular talent for turning things around and making the scum feel like they are the helpless sheep being led to the slaughter. The "Paragon of Mafia Hunters" Award for Best Mafia Catcher this year goes to... Kinetic!

Kinetic in Freaktown

---

Alright, its time for some FULL claims now. There are three people who I'm positive are mafia, then there are others who I am not sure of. I control this game now, and we're playing by my rules.

Now you've entered MY Time.

I activate my fourth and most powerful ability, Emperor Time at this moment.

The town has proven itself unable to judge evil for itself, thus I will be the only judge.

---

forbiddanlight:

Finally, we have...

forbiddanlight looks at the card, and then looks over at mith.

forbiddanlight:

No way. I'm not doing this one.

mith:

Why not?

forbiddanlight:

Come on. I'll read it, the winner will come up on stage, and then kill me. It's too obvious.

mith:

Nah. Won't happen. Promise.

forbiddanlight:

Really?

mith:

Really.

forbiddanlight:

Well... ok. Don't know why I'm trusting

anyone

from mafiascum, especially you, but... here goes nothing. The "Hannibal Lecter" Award for Best Serial Killer goes to... mikeburnfire!

mikeburnfire's Very Secret Diary (Excerpts)

---

Day 1:
Bored. Really bored. Gonna kill something.

---

Night 1:
Dammit. The roleswitcher switched my role with the mason. Now I lost my extra RB power.

---

Day 2:
QuickBen just revealed himself to be the doctor and claimed to have protected Thantos last night. FOOL! This is a plethora of information for me. Since I know that PHATE was the one protected last night, I know that QuickBen is lying. It's too risky to be fishing-- I think he's legit. So now we have a scum doctor QuickBen and a scum role-unknown Phate.

---

Night 2:
I know that Than is the cop and QuickBen is the scumdoctor. Korlash, Holy, Sensfan are probably not the scum roleblocker, given the fact that Zhao argued with them. Probably kabenon, given this line by Zhao: @kabenon: Would you care to add your thoughts on this? So QuickBen is the scumdoctor and kabenon is the scumroleblocker. QB is probably protecting kabenon, and I know who everyone is.

---

Day 3:
Kabenon just got lynched. Thank God. I was worried that they'd actually go for Holy (was I really that convincing, or is she THAT scummy?). Kabenon's death is better for me, as I truly think he's the last scum, and the last thing I need is for him to cross-kill me in the middle of the night. It's not that the fact that I'd lose that would bother me, but rather the fact that it would be so anti-climactic. 'You wake up. Town wins'. Yaaawn.

I just saw Thanatos make a joking post about how funny it would be if he were alive tomorrow. HAHAHA. NOT BLOODY LIKELY! See you in hell, pig!

---

Day 4:
Only the five of us are alive, just as I planned. It won't be hard to get Holy lynched today.

---

Night 4:
That was simple. Now who to kill? I guess I'll kill DP. Even though he's not very suspicious of me, he seems to be difficult to influence. Plus, having Sensfan and Skruffs alive will add a level of WIFOM to the equation.

---

mikeburnfire walks up to the stage, accepts his award, and then looks at forbiddanlight and licks his lips.

forbiddanlight:

Gulp.

What forbiddanlight has failed to take into account is that mikeburnfire is a true Serial Killer, and just killing one lone presenter wouldn't satisfy his urges. He kills the entire front row of the audience instead.

mith:

See? I told you so. And now, let's take a look at some of the other parts of the site that tend to get a bit less screentime during the Scummies...

---

Meanwhile (or another better word that means "several hours ago"), in the Mish-Mash forum...

Max

: I still feel discriminated against. The fact that our community isn't included in this Ceremony... I mean, we are responsible for all these players sticking around. We are the heart of the forum while we are being kept small! We should act now!

Blackberry

: I agree! Who's with us!

dahill1

: Yeah!

KaleiÃ

[mith]

[mith]

Porochaz stumbles out onto the stage his tux looking a bit messy. He turns round to see the big picture of Oman...

Porochaz:

Holy crap!

He screams, then starts talking to the advert above him on the screen...

Porochaz:

Oman, howdyu get up there. Why is yur face so big? Your like a big huge ausie mooglefaced alckoholic. I'm-Ive gotta present these awards anyhow. Ineed to persent these awards Oman... let me come back to you.

The screen flashes up the "Cassandra" Award for Best Performance in a Losing Cause graphic.

Porochaz:

Now as Im drunk, and I hate all this winning... I want to awrd somone for there losingness. Lets face it, guys., girls... we have an obligat... to longa word. We jus need to.

So What would you rather do?

Win
Lose
Xyzzy

I wuld chose lose everytime and that's why I am so very proud to award this to... Elmo!

Elmo in The Adventure of a Drunken Alchemist

---

Without meaning to sound like an Elmo fanboy, his play was great in this game and I think he's right to be proud of it. I was definitely impressed. He pegged you and Ice before anyone else. He got screwed by the metagame, not by his play.

---

Someone runs on and tidies Prozac up...

Porochaz:

Thankyou Mr Gimbo sir...

The camera shoots over to Gimbo who is being kicked out of the door by mith. Again.

mith:

AND STAY OUT!

Prozac shuffles uncomfortably, leans on the podium then sits in front of it legs splayed out...

Porochaz:

You kno what causes good things, is a goood repkacement. And I cant think of anyon beter than the person who is writen in duble on this card... "White Knight"... that's like... er... nevrmind...

Best Replacement goes to... Kinetic!

Kinetic in Read Your Role

---

Hi, I R New Replacement

I R have fun.

Incoming.

---

WOOT

I so thought I was coming into an unwinnable game. I mean I only had to get a VIGILANTE lynched then a virtually confirmed COP lynched back to back to win...

Who the hell is going to be able to do that!?

---

Porochaz:

Ok ok ok... I eed to rap tjis up. I want tod rink some more...

Porochaz stumbles back.

Porochaz:

Im floating! Woah!!! Must be a jedi master... I only know one persun who fits that descrition.

Its the Best IC...

Prozac falls over and passes out. mith comes on the stage, gives Prozac a kick and announces...

mith:

Remind me never to let him write his own lines again. Or drink before the show, for that matter. Anyway... The "Jedi Master" Award for Best Inexperienced Challenged Player this year...

mith is interrupted as Porochaz's spleen ruptures from the well-placed kick. It ruptures so violently that it gets caught in his throat, and he chokes to death.

mith:

Sigh. Will someone clean up this mess so we can get on with the show, please?

Andycyca comes on stage and presses a button. Porochaz is conveniently reverted to off-stage.

mith:

Hey, cool. Thanks. The winner of the... er, whatever award we're on... is... Mirth!

Mirth in Newbie 670

---

'ello y'all. I'm one of your

friendly

neighborhood ICs here to be all helpful and stuff...

not a really random vote: Inspector Godot. Your name reminds me of Beckett. I always wanted to eviscerate Beckett with a titanium spork.

---

mith:

This is actually pretty good timing on Porochaz's part, as next on the program is the award I am actually scheduled to present. A lot goes on behind the scenes here at mafiascum.net that most of you are unaware of. We are always in need of good help to keep things running smoothly, whether it's the List Mods keeping the Queues in order, ICs and Game Mods helping out in the Newbie Queue, or the Wiki crew fighting spam and contributing to the most comprehensive Mafia wiki on the web.

Before I present the award, I want to personally thank all of you for the hard work that you do. And if you're interested in helping more in 2009, let me know! I can always find something for you to do...

But now, I want to recognize one person in particular; he is one of the recently deputized List Mods, and has taken on the insane task of dealing with the Newbie Queue. The winner of the "Name Should be in Orange" Award for Behind the Scenes Contribution this year is... Vel-Rahn Koon!

Vel-Rahn Koon in the Newbie Queue

---

This is where you go to sign up for a game, hence the term Queue (some French/Latin nonsense that means "waiting line") Very Happy. Typically people just post

/in to play

then I'll update the first post in this thread later today or tomorrow to reflect all the new signups. You'll be in the Queue for the next available game. We're just waiting on 3 more new players and the game can begin immediately.

---

mith:

And now, let's return... hey, wait a sec. What's going on down there?

There's quite a commotion in the audience. One of the Scummies security guards fights through the horrified crowd...

Security Guard:

Alright, nobody move! Who is responsible for this?!

Suspicious Stripy Character:

She was like this when I got here, I swear!

Random Alpaca:

That's a lie! Your kind has gotten away with murder for far too long!

The alpaca rushes SSC and pushes him over, pulling off his CUNNING DISGUISE and revealing...

Felinius Maximus:

Blast! I've been made! Tigers, attack!

From everywhere in the audience, tigers rise up and start eating people. To their surprise, they face resistance from a comparable number of alpaca guests, who, though they appear docile and peaceful, are now displaying a wide array of ninja skills.

mith:

Great... just what we need, another war. Let's go to molestargazer's Mafia game for the exciting conclusion, while we sort this out here...

---

molestargazer:

We're down to three players here, and this could go either way. During the previous night, we had dahill1 (

MAFIA

) and KaleiÃ

[mith]

[mith]

The Tiger/Alpaca fight continues in the audience as mith comes back on stage.

mith:

Look, everyone, we've got to finish this show... if you could just all stop fighting for a few more...

They don't.

mith:

Fine. Whatever. Let's just present these awards and you can do whatever it is you're doing. It'll be great. farside?

farside22:

Thanks, mith. My fellow List Mod and I will be splitting the final awards of the evening, the "Oscars" if you will. First up is the "Oscar" for Most Enjoyable Large Game. There were... oh, why am I bothering with what's on the teleprompter? No one is listening anyway. The winner is... shaft.ed for Monty Python's Mafia Circus.

shaft.ed's Monty Python's Mafia Circus

---

IT'S

Monty Python's Mafia Circus

There is an evil afoot on the set of the latest Monty Python filiming. Someone has been coming in a killing off the other characters. It seems a group of evil characters is vying for more time infront of the camera. Why just last night the entire cast of Salad Days was massacredand it was even caught on film. You have to do something to stop the slaughter and save the characters that are left. You've decided not to take this lying down. You've unionized and enlisted the help of the Colonel.

At the end of each game day the Colonel will remove whatever player you have deemed as being "far too silly." Such silly characters will be kicked out of the union and forced to work on children's television. Once the threats to your characters union have been eliminated you may all go back to starring in sketches with no punch line.

farside22:

And now, to help me present the next award, Aerin, who believes lynching the cat is pro-town:

"Ooh"s and "Aah"s are heard throughout the auditorium, making a weird harmony with all the screams and growling.

Aerin (via satellite):

Kitty!

farside22:

: Thank you for that, Aerin. This award is the "Oscar" for Best Performance by a Pro-Town Individual. What do you say, Aerin, who is the winner?

Aerin:

Ork.

farside22:

What's that?

Aerin:

Gork!

farside22:

Oh, Glork! Ok.

The crowd starts applauding as the music plays. farside22 looks around, but no one appears to be standing to come up to the stage.

farside22:

Glork? Surely he's here...

The applause turns to murmuring as the audience looks around for Glork, who is nowhere to be found.

farside22:

Huh. Well, let's go ahead and show why Glork deserved this award, and maybe someone will find him...

Gaspar in California Trilogy 2: Going to San Francisco

---

Nothing happens. The screen remains black. Suddenly, the lights go off.

A voice (presumably farside22):

What the...

Finally, the screen comes to life, showing an office or study of some sort. The chair behind the wooden desk is facing away, and the figure sitting in it is looking out a window to an expansive, vibrantly green park. The chair slowly turns to reveal...

Mr. Grey:

Hello, friends.

There are gasps in the audience. Possibly fainting. Because everyone is so completely surprised that Mr. Grey has made an appearance in this show. Really. Flabbergasted. I think Thesp wet himself, he's so shocked, between the surprise and the gapping plot holes and continuity errors. Wasn't there a big fight going on in the audience?

Mr. Grey:

It's been a long time, hasn't it... you're probably wondering what I've been up to. Mostly, I've been gardening. But also, I have been preparing...

"Preparing for what?", the crowd silently wonders.

Mr. Grey:

Preparing... for my return!

More gasps.

Mr. Grey:

Oh, and I kidnapped Glork. You can't have him back. Nyah.

The camera filming Mr. Grey shifts its attention to the right, where Glork is bound, hanging over a vat of CERTAIN DOOM (tm).

Mr. Grey:

And now, if you'll excuse me, I have some plotting to attend... hey, what the...

The lights in the auditorium suddenly come back on, and, standing behind the podium rather than farside22, who has surely had a massive heart attack from all the surprise plot twists, is... Gaspar?

Gaspar:

Not so fast, Mr. Grey... you still have to deal with... me.

Mr. Grey:

But... what... how did... now you've made

me

confused. You can't do that!

Gaspar:

But I can! And I'll play your little game... and I'll defeat you. Again. And this time... when I do... I'll finally unmask you, once and for all.

Mr. Grey:

We shall see about that... until we meet again...

There is a large puff of smoke, and, rather than Mr. Grey disappearing, the screen explodes and falls off, nearly crushing Gaspar to death. But he is one step ahead, and has switched places with farside22.

Who is crushed to death.

mith comes out, not at all looking like he has changed clothes very quickly, and assesses the damage.

mith:

Well, that was unfortunate. It looks like we're going to need a new presenter... fortunately, there's still one judge we haven't killed yet. Come on out, Vel-Rahn Koon!

Reluctantly (by which we mean: carried by several large men while he screams for help), VRK comes out on to the stage to present the final awards of the evening.

Vel-Rahn Koon:

This sucks.

mith:

But, VRK, I can't kill

you

off. Who would run the Newbie Queue?

Vel-Rahn Koon:

Good point. Ok, then. The third "Oscar" is for Most Enjoyable Mini Game. And the winner is... gorckat!

gorckat's The Neighborhood

---

he Neighborhood has been a wonderful place to live. Folks return tools they borrow. Kids frolic at playgrounds and the old quarry. Main Street is home to vibrant shops and hospitable shop owners. Mr. Smith's tenure as mayor (the last 28 years) has been idyllic.

Mr. Smith knows everyone by name, the ages of their kids, how folks lawn or home improvements are coming. He walks his dog down his block, up Main Street, around the elementary school, across the baseball field and through the little patch of woods behind his lot.

Mr. Smith was found beaten to death halfway between third base and home plate on the baseball diamond. Mr. Smith didn't make it home.

Find the scum, kill them, save The Neighborhood.

Alternatively: avoid the gallows, kill the townies, claim The Neighborhood.

---

Vel-Rahn Koon:

I have the pleasure of presenting the final award of the evening, so we can all get the heck out of here. It's the "Oscar" for Best Performance by a Mafia Individual, and it goes to... Adel!

Adel in Mature Mafia

---

What happens when you place Adel-scum in a game without rules?

mith comes back on stage. He looks around the auditorium. Bodies are everywhere, and the fighting continues. It's chaos.

mith:

Uh... show's over. Let's wrap this up...

Forgotten in all the chaos was the fact that, against all probability, a killer whale had suddenly been called into existence above the auditorium. And, since this is not a naturally tenable position for a whale, theis poor innocent creature had very little time to come to terms...

Oh, dear, it's already landed. On VRK.

mith:

Take that, tigers! Let's see you fight two fronts!

Orca:

Actually... I'm on their side.

However, deciding that the war is now over, in spite of all evidence to the contrary...

AniX:

Now, let us put this whole affair behind us until the...

Random Alpaca:

Tiger scum!

Random Tiger:

Why must you be so hurtful to us??

Orca:

The Alpacas should be banned for that!

Random Alpaca:

I'll show you...

Random Alpaca goes off to spam GD and say derogatory things toward tigers.

Thestatusquo:

If the Alpaca goes, I go, melon farmers.

Thesp:

Would everyone please watch their language?

AniX:

Would you guys stop interrupting me? I was trying to make a point... what was it? Something about the 11th hour...

Simenon:

You know, this whole banning thing is similar to French Mimes during the War of 1812...

Australia:

WTF, mate?

JordanA24:

Hitler.

Thestatusquo:

Free Alpaca!

Talitha:

Will everyone just settle down? This is mith's site, he has the right to...

Judge Dredd:

I

am the Law.

ZONEACE:

Said the fag.

Blackberry:

I find that really offensive.

Max:

Yeah! I think we should start a tournament...

Mr. Flay:

Look, everyone, Jathan sent me a transcript of the whole thing, if you would just read it I think it makes it very clear who is to blame...

Everyone argues for a while, and it's a big mess. mith looks down from the podium and sighs.

mith:

I didn't want to do this...

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a device with a big red button on it. He pushes it.

---

mith stands in the now-empty auditorium. He gathers up his script and walks off the stage. He walks backstage to a big blue box and knocks on the door.

mith:

Sorry about that. I really didn't want to involve you. Where did you send them, anyway?

The man inside the box, which appears to be larger on the inside, pokes his head out.

The Eleventh Doctor:

The TARDIS sent them all one year in the future.

mith:

To next year's Scummies?

The Eleventh Doctor:

Exactly.

mith:

You mean...

The Eleventh Doctor:

That's right...

It's a cliffhanger.

TO BE CONTINUED...

---

AniX:

Can we unban StallingChamp yet?

[mith]

The Scummies, 2008

Hosted by:

mith

Judges:

CarnCarn
Yosarian2
Lord Gurgi
forbiddanlight
Porochaz
farside22
Vel-Rahn Koon

Thanks to:

animorpherv1
AniX
DrippingGoofball
elvis_knits
KaleiÃ

[mith]

The list of awards, for someone to put on the wiki:

The "Paperback Writer" Award for Tastiest Flavor - destructor (Mini 568: Nubigena)
The "Professor Mafia" Award for Contribution to Mafia Discussion - Adel
The "Rookie of the Year" Award for Most Outstanding New Player - LlamaFluff
The "Rube Goldberg" Award for Best Setup - Guardian (Mini 567: iPick)
The "Flying Pumpkin that Shoots Lasers out of its Ass" Award for Best Role - Tarhalindur (Haruhi Suzimiya)
The "Goodfellas" Award for Best Performance by a Team - Town of Mushroom Kingdom (Mushroom Kingdom)
The "George W. Bush" Award for Funniest Claim - Awesome Pants (Newbie 516)
The "Johnny Cochrane" Award for Best Claim - Claus (Mini 612: Akatsuki)
The "Don Corleone" Award for Best Manipulator - Kison
The "Coffee on the Monitor" Award for Funniest Player - Skruffs
The "Paragon of Mafia Hunters" Award for Best Mafia Catcher - Kinetic
The "Hannibal Lecter" Award for Best Serial Killer - mikeburnfire (Mini 532: Yaw's Split Open)
The "Cassandra" Award for Best Performance in a Losing Cause - Elmo (Mini 664: The Adeventure of a Drunken Alchemist)
The "White Knight" Award for Best Replacement - Kinetic (Read Your Role)
The "Jedi Master" Award for Best IC - Mirth
The "Name Should be in Orange" Award for Behind the Scenes Contribution - Vel-Rahn Koon
The "Oscar" for Most Enjoyable Large Game - shaft.ed (Monty Python's Mafia Circus)
The "Oscar" for Best Performance by an Individual (Pro-Town) - Glork (California Trilogy 2: Going to San Francisco)
The "Oscar" for Most Enjoyable Mini Game - gorckat (Mini 659: The Neighborhood)
The "Oscar" for Best Performance by an Individual (Mafia) - Adel (Mature Mafia)

[mith]

gorckat, you are more likely to get that from your players; the judges do an excellent job given the time constraints and number of nominated games, but I don't think anyone expects they will be as familiar with an individual game as those who played it.

PokerFace, there's a reason the judging is private. If everyone who nominated someone that didn't get an award started demanding the judges justify their actions, it would inevitably lead to bad feelings. The Scummies are not intended to be a definitive list of everything positive on the site, and I think most people understand that. If you think a particular player deserved an award, letting them know and encouraging them to keep up the good work is a more useful expression of that.