The Sixth Annual Scummie Awards (Now With Extra Nonsense!)

[mith]

Fade to a shot outside the auditorium, where hundreds of rabid media, fans, and minions line the red carpet waiting for their favourite Mafia celebrity to arrive. On location this year is Brandi, filling in for Rainbow Brite this year (who went missing a week ago, coincidentally around the same time as Seol's "accident"; the tabloids have spent that time speculating that either Rainbow Brite tried to kill Seol and is now on the run, or they are having an affair and she is visiting him in the hospital, though no conclusive photographic evidence has yet surfaced to support either theory). Ostensibly, Brandi is covering the red carpet and interviewing players as they arrive, though so far she has mostly just hugged everyone in sight.

(Camera Guy):

Psst. Brandi. We're live.

Brandi:

What? Oh, right! Live! Er... welcome, everyone! I'm Brandi, and we're live on the red carpet, waiting for the next big name to arrive. It's pretty crazy out here, and... hey, what's going on over there?

Brandi:

It appears we have some sort of protest going on, here at the Scummies! What could this be about? Perhaps one of the protesters will give us a word. Excuse me...

Brandi walks over to one of the angry protesters and, rather than immediately sticking a microphone in his face, she gives him a big hug. This serves to confuse and pacify him to some degree, allowing Brandi to get out her question without getting yelled at.

Brandi:

Sir, you and your friends are making quite a scene here outside the Scummies, could you possibly tell us what you're protesting.

Protester:

Er... uh... well, you see, we're protesting the Title Fairy...

Other Protesters (chanting):

We Want Titles! We Want Titles!

Brandi:

I see... but, what has the Title Fairy done that you are complaining about exactly?

Other Protesters (chanting):

Quote Pyramids are Free Speech!

Protester:

The so-called Title Fairy has abused his power for the last time!

Other Protester (shouting):

There he is! Get him!

The protesters all surge toward the figure starting down the red carpet, tackling him and hitting him with their signs. Brandi shakes her head, muttering something (possible "moar hugs"), and goes in search of someone else to interview.

Brandi:

Ooh, arriving now is one of my favourite Scummers, Thok... hey, wait a minute...

Brandi runs over to Thok and thrusts her microphone in his face.

Brandi:

Weren't you just brutally beaten?

Thok:

I... wha?

Brandi:

Obviously not. How do you, sir, then explain that I just saw you get attacked?

Thok:

...er...

Brandi:

That's exactly what I though. You are clearly hiding something! Guards, terrorist! Get him!

Thok:

But I...

The guards drag Thok off to put him in a holding cell. Meanwhile, the protesters have realized their mistake, but it is too late.

Adel:

Hey! That's

my

fairy. No one beats him but me!

The protesters scatter away from Oman and Adel chases them with a whip. She catches one poor soul, and the camera immediately shifts back to Brandi. Screams can be heard off-camera. Brandi tries to wrap things up while occasionally glancing in that direction, unable to look away.

Brandi:

Well, that's it for... aah, that's got to... ooh... for the red carpet, let's find someone else to talk to... no, don't do... oh no... make it stop, make it stop...

---

New for this year's Scummies: Participate interactively! Write in your own appearance on the red carpet... go!

Also: One of the protesters above is obvscum. Be the 57th to figure out why, win a (possibly nonexistent) prize!

[Mr. Flay]

Flay:

That's not Thok, that's Oman! Silly protesters...

[zu_Faul]

zu:

Down with Nibbler!!

Really, forget about Thok. The real upsetting thing last year was the Nibbler infection. But through the combined forces of some valuable members of our scum community we were fighting them, to prevent Nibbler from becoming a danger like the Tigers.

Brandi:

Umm... sure. I'll better get going. *hugs*

[Adel]

That's not Thok, that's Oman! Silly protesters...

Adel: I have Oman right here...

holds up leash connected to an empty spiked collar

Adel: oh my, he seems to have escaped.

exits

[animorpherv1]

In the backround, faint chanting

Protesters: Ani deserves a bad title for all the bad things he's done!

Ani looks down at his shoes

Ani: What did I do

[Porochaz]

Porochaz:

Oh, wow... I think Ive found this years alcohol supply, someones just left it here... OMAN! Your looking bloody... look what Ive found...

[farside22]

farside:

Starts shoving baby pic's before the show begins.

Look and here is he opening presents. And here is at the game convention with a pimp hat.

[Mirth]

Mirth:

Farside, put those things away and come help me claw my eyes out. Quickly! I made the mistake of walking in on Tajo and Elvis in the green room...it was horrible! Horrible!

[animorpherv1]

Later down the red Carpet

Ani:Stupid Protestes. I PROTEST AGAINST THE PROESTERS!

[Chimera]

Chimera:

erm...hello?

Chorus from chanters drowns out voice

Chimera:

Um, can anyone hear me??

Chants continue to roar endlessly

Thok:

Pssst

Chimera:

Yes?

Thok:

Could you unlock me? I mod the newbie game you're in...

Chimera:

Oh, hey there, Thok.

Fiddles with lock

Chimera:

Sorry, mate, but I can't do it. I failed lockpicking at school, you know. Anyways, I'll try to sneak you a laptop so you can continue modding...

[Plum]

Enter Plum, dressed up as an Elf, in great haste

Plum: Crud, I think that's ABR chasing me. I knew he wanted a picture of me, but I didn't realize he wanted it that badly. Also, is that Shea with a pitchfork?

Shea, away off: You will pay for this, LARPer!

Enter ABR.

ABR: Why refuse to get your picture taken with me at this year's Scummies, Plum? You might be dead next year. Or even tomorrow. Why take the risk?

Plum: Noooooo - I am keeping myself puuuuure!

Exit Plum, pursued by ABR.

[Oman]

Porochaz:

Oh, wow... I think Ive found this years alcohol supply, someones just left it here... OMAN! Your looking bloody... look what Ive found...

Oman:

*pant* *puff*...I just got away from Adel long enough to *puff* share a few. Lets go!

[Porochaz]

Porochaz:

So mayeb the who barel of cider was a bad idea but- but at least I dindt drink tha big bottle of wisky

[Tarhalindur]

Tarhalindur parks his vehicle in a field outside, enters the ceremony in an unusual uniform, walks over to the concession stand, and fires a handgun in the air.

Tarhalindur

- I demand a PLAIN ROLL!

Apparently Tarhalindur has less grasp of social skills than people thought.

Or he's just insane.

Or, more likely, both. Bonus points for whoever guesses what vehicle Tarhalindur came to the ceremony in!

[Alduskkel]

Alduskkel:

One of these cars, most likely.
[/img]

Alduskkel:

That or a Tank.

[Porochaz]

Porochaz:

Wai- WHA? Oh Alkiehol... RIGHT...

[Chimera]

Chimera:

hey Tar....could I borrow that tank for a quick sec?

[Tarhalindur]

Interestingly, people at the ceremony seem to be able to respond to the mysterious narrator's commentary.

They don't seem to have that good of a grasp on Tarhalindur's ride of choice, however. (Though "tank" is admittedly not that bad of a guess.)

Now, what is Tarhalindur up to? Hmm. He seems to have gone missing. What could he be up to? And why has Alduskkel not moved his left leg for the last 5 minutes?

[Chimera]

Chimera:

Alduskkel has room for a tank under there? Wow, it's like a bag of holding in D&D

[mith]

Disclaimer: The following is a live broadcast of mafiascum.net. It was not taped in advance. It was definitely not written in a script-like manner in advance, and mafiascum.net is not liable for any hallucinations you may experience suggesting otherwise. This broadcast may not be reproduced without the express written consent of Tony Soprano. Please turn off your mobile phone. Side effects may include insomnia, loss of appetite, dry mouth, and nibblerization. Any disappointment resulting from the viewing of this broadcast is entirely your fault. You have been warned.

(Announcer):

, , and ?, welcome to the Sixth Annual Scummie Awards, coming to you live from a secret location which was nevertheless somehow found by all these people in the audience. And now, your host, the Godfather himself... mith!

mith walks out, smiling and waving to the crowd as he strides across the stage to the main podium. The applause continues for an unusually long time; in fact, it gets louder after mith signals for the audience to settle down. He doesn't realize that this is because on the screen behind him, Oprah is holding up a sign informing the audience that she is giving them all free booze.

mith:

Good evening... thank you, good evening minions and underlings and welcome to the show. We've got a terrific show tonight, and I hope you'll enjoy it. This year we have more categories than ever, and seven judges have worked hard behind the scenes to go over all the nominations and determine winners. Let's give them a hand...

There is more clapping. This might be related more to Oprah now giving out free iPhones than to what mith is actually saying.

mith:

You know, 2008 was a great year, though not without difficulties... we survived the Great Nibbler Takeover mostly intact, we had to "say goodbye" to a few users for various reasons, and of course it was our last full year on bluehost. I know many of you miss the Grey Screen of Death already.

For a lot of you, bluehost was all you knew until we switched early this year, though of course some of the old timers will remember previous hosts and software. We are actually currently on our fourth different hosting situation. Fifth, if you count the time we tried hooking MeMe directly into the internet. She still has fits whenever someone holds up a ethernet cable around her...

Anyway, in spite of our difficulties with them, bluehost will forever be a part of our history, and so we've put together a short film to honour them tonight, as we say goodbye once and for all...

The lights dim, and Oprah disappears from the screen just as mith turns to watch. A different woman appears, and some will recognize her as...

Woman:

Hello, friends. You may recognize me as Echo from the new TV program,

Dollhouse

. In fact, I have been specially imprinted today, and it is more correct to say I am now an avatar for bluehost. mith has spared no expense to bring me here so that I can say a few parting words, and...

"bluehost" is cut off as something orange, black, and white streaks across the view and latches on to her neck. There is a split second of strangled screaming before the screen quickly cuts off and goes to a test signal.

mith:

Oh, my. What a tragedy. It would seem the tigers have once again attacked. Poor bluehost. I had thought that the location was secure, I cannot possible fathom how the tigers could have found out about... oh, well, never mind. C'est la vie. Let's take a quick break, we'll be back with the first awards of the evening after this message...

[mith]

Twelve Contestants
Eleven Weeks
One Winner

Karaoke Idol

Coming this Summer, only on TIGER.

[mith]

mith:

Welcome back to the Scummies, 2008. It's time for our first set of awards, and as is traditional, our judges will each be presenting some of the awards they voted on. First up we have the newest of the group, CarnCarn!

CarnCarn walks to the podium to respectful applause, though of course a few jokers hold up "Who's CarnCarn?" signs.

CarnCarn:

Thank you, everyone. It has been an honour to be selected this year as a judge for the Scummies, and I think I speak for all the judges when I say that this was a very difficult task, as there were many deserving games which were nominated.

The first award which I have the pleasure of presenting is the "Paperback Writer" Award for the Tastiest Flavor. The winner this year is... destructor, for his excellent Nubigena Mafia!

destructor's Nubigena

---

As the group of twelve came near the remains of Mother's, they noticed someone moving in the rubble through the moonlight. Enki, the old Mystic, came crawling out, drenched in water and the blood that ran from the bullet wound in his chest. He pulled himself forward before turning to face the gathered crowd. Through shallow, interrupted breaths he spoke.

"So it ended. So it begins," he said, eyes starting to close and his head unsteady, as if he was falling asleep. Becoming alert, he spoke again, now with a certain determination, "The trails of Nubigena are not over. There remain amongst you those that seek this town as their own. They will destroy all that stand in their way unless they are stopped! It is not for me to say whose end is more worthy, but only that an end must be met and blood will be spilt to meet it. This, it was seen and has been foreseen in all times past!"

Enki stopped. One by one, he looked deeply into the eyes of all the twelve gathered then spoke one last time.

"All prophesies end here. In destruction comes renewal and rebirth. The future of Nubigena now lies in your hands. Make of it what you will."

With that, Enki lay down and closed his eyes, his life finally leaving his body.

---

CarnCarn:

Unfortunately, destructor could not be here tonight to accept his award, as mith had him locked in a room after seeing the length and complexity of his acceptance speech, but he'll receive the award later. Next up we have the "Professor Mafia" Award for Contribution to Mafia Discussion. This was one of the easier decisions this year, not because of a lack of contributors, but because one name stood out as being truly prolific in her contributions. The award goes to... Adel!

Adel in Mafia Discussion

---

Does anyone want to organize and datamine the hell out of the archive with me?

---

To help inform debate over what ideas could/should be tried out in the future, I thought it would be a good thing to collect all of the threads related to Newbie game policy that date from Mr. Flay's tenure.

---

What evidence exists that mafia isn't random B.S.?

---

I will devote, as a form of community service, an amount of time equal to at least 25% of the time I spend on this site to the development of mafia theory in MD, or working on the wiki, or whichever other causes I personally deem worthy.

---

Adel:

Thank you. To celebrate this award, you're all invited to my Basement later, where...

CENSORED

CarnCarn (blushing):

Er... thank you, Adel. Ahem. The third and final award I am presenting tonight is the "Rookie of the Year" Award for Most Outstanding New Player. As the Newbie List Mods, Game Mods, and ICs will no doubt attest, we have an incredible number of new players coming to the site, more each year, and that makes this award one of the more competitive. There are lots of deserving players, but this year's winner is... LlamaFluff!

LlamaFluff in Mini 595

---

I may just be increadably stubborn (and I know BM is going QFT just the start of this or something) but I really dont think FS is scum. It just doesnt seem to fit in the situations im playing out. I think by all reasonable standards I should of been the NK the first night, or at very least the second night. I was one of the inital pushes on the ZS wagon while making it perfectly clear SG was my next lynch. D2 I carried through my SG attack to a lynch and claimed mason. I think almost any scum would of taken me out by now, the only two that I think may not of would of been jas (for lack of knowing whats going on) and alvinz (for his power role theory).

FS is one of my most town at this point along with, ex-amor, BM and IM, CKD keeps dancing that line too. I think the last scum is either jas or alvinz, FS just doesnt fit the puzzle.

---

CarnCarn:

Is LlamaFluff here tonight? I know there was some confusion with the Alpacas backstage... oh, well, we'll make sure he gets his award as well. Congratulations to all three of you... and now I believe we have a special presentation?

The camera zooms in on the screen behind CarnCarn, with the view soon entirely dominated by the screen as it comes to life. In the center the screen is molestargazer, wearing a suit, standing in front of a gallows. Behind him are seven people arguing with one another. They appear to be in a large warehouse.

molestargazer:

Hi folks! That's right, it's the Scummies again, and our producers thought we should take some time out to try and examine WHY we all really love the game of Mafia! Behind me are several brave volunteers who were volunteered - uh, who volunteered to play the game of Mafia FOR REAL! So whilst they're discussing who to lynch on Day One of our game, feel free to send in your comments on why you love mafia! Text in your reasons to 10366, or just email us at scummies@mafiascum.net!

It seems Day One is drawing to a close - oh, my!

A group of four players is dragging another towards the gallows, chanting "SCUM! SCUM!". The player who is about to be lynched looks at the announcer.

CarnCarn:

I don't want to die! I want to stop! What are they doing?! Why are you letting them?! SOMEBODY HELP! HELP!

---

Meanwhile, on stage...

mith:

Hey, wait a minute... CarnCarn was just here! How did he... this doesn't make any sense! Who wrote this crap, anyway?

---

CarnCarn is dragged to the gallows. A rope is placed around his neck, and his arms and held by armlx's bulging muscles. The lever is pulled, and he drops. His neck snaps, and he falls silent.

molestargazer:

And that's the end of it for CarnCarn! Now, to see if we were right...

All the players look towards a large screen on a wall near where they were arguing. One word, bolded and coloured in green, flashes up:

TOWNIE

The players murmur amongst themselves, then walk off to individual rooms. Lights in the building all switch off, except those surrounding the announcer.

molestargazer:

Well, what a plot twist that was! CarnCarn has been lynched on Day 1, and has come up as town. How will the players react? The mafia are currently choosing their nightkill.

In the meantime, let's see what your ideas are on why you love mafia!
"freedrugs3495" from Russia says "I love mafia for it's debating and logical thought", "The Queen" from England says "It's just fantastic fun trying to hide your identity as scum", and "Pop Tart" from Oberon says "Mafia's great because it takes up all my time and removes a need for a social life"! Thank you to you three, and we'll have more lat...

There is a gunshot. A shadowy figure is seen dragging a body from one of the rooms to the discussion area.

molestargazer:

The Mafia have made their choice. The lights are switching on, and the group are now going to see who has died... it's Fritzler!

The screen flashes up:

TOWNIE

molestargazer:

That's another townie down, with only 5 players left in the game. Already, it's Lynch-or-Lose for the...

Sirens are heard drawing up to the warehouse.

Someone Shouting:

It's the police! Run!

molestargazer:

Oh, damn...

The announcer turns to run. Shouting is heard. The camera is dropped, and a view of the cameraman's fleeing legs are seen before the camera crashes, and signal turns to static...

[mith]

[mith]

mith:

We're back. At this time, we'd like to take a moment for a special presentation; we do this every year, and this year I thought it appropriate to place this segment after the "Rookie of the Year" Award. It's the circle of life, or the internet, or something like that. As the new come in, so too do some depart. Let's take a moment of silence,

In Memoriam

, to remember all those who have left us in the past year, represented by this sample of avatars.

mith:

Sigh... come on, guys. That's just disrespectful.

DrippingGoofball:

You

asked

me to do that.

mith:

Who ever listens to me??

Talitha:

What? Did someone just say something?

mith:

Very funny. We're getting sidetracked here. Where was I? Oh, yes. To all those who are gone: We miss you, and we hope you stop by again some day. So that we can lynch you.

And now, our next judge to present some more awards... Yosarian2!

Yosarian2 comes on to the stage, and half the audience predictably holds up "I agree with Yosarian2" signs. The other half is asleep.

Yosarian2:

Hi, everyone. I'll be quick, I've got a dozen more insightful comments to post tonight for you all to agree with. So, here we go. The first award is the "Rube Goldberg" Award for Best Setup. The winner is... Guardian, for iPick!

Guardian's iPick

---

Kison and Lawrencelot vote each other... They stand in silence, waiting for something to happen... and then something does.

I rush towards Kison and with one swing of my axe, shave his head clean off. Blood splatters everywhere... Kison is dead.

Kison was just what he said he was, the Triforce of Power. The Triforce of Power being scum doesn't make sense. Lawrencelot chuckles a bit with glee. The Scientifically, Historically, and Politically Astute Unesurrectable Gossip Monger made it through to the end -- the last one standing! Or was he...

Suddenly, he is able to see someone who was there all along... Someone who has been lurking in the shadows, subtly influencing the game... DrippingGoofBall, Harry Potter, suddenly appears, with a grim smile on his face.

A Scientifically, Historically, and Politically Astute Unesurrectable Gossip Monger being scum makes sense... so then... it couldn't be scum? Or could it? Whatever doesn't make sense does.... but... oh, how does it all work!?

And Harry Potter... Harry being here all the time as scum doesn't make sense.... but then that would mean Harry was an existentialist? How did Harry work?

And the poor Triforce of Power... as an existentialist... that's so natural. Does it being that obvious make any sense!?

Ah, this is so complicated...

Let's see. If SHaPAUGM is scum, that wouldn't make sense, but it wouldn't make sense as town, either. Wait, does that make sense? No! So Lawrence must be town...

Now Harry... if Harry is scum... that would violate rule 9.75! That makes sense! Right?

But... The Triforce of Power... being scum... would that make any sense? Yes, yes it would!

Kison, Triforce of Power, Post Restriction Giver, is lynched day 5!

The doesn't make sense town wins -- congratulations!

---

Yosarian2:

Next we have a crowd favorite, the "Flying Pumpkin that Shoots Lazers out of its Ass" Award for Best Role. And the winner is... Tarhalindur, for Haruhi Suzimiya!

Tarhalindur's Haruhi Suzimiya

---

<This. Is. Cool.

For the last three years, you've been bored with the world, bored with the dullness of humanity. Now you find yourself in a world beyond your wildest imagination, a world where anything is possible.

You love it. This is where you belong. In fact, you're getting so excited that you're going to bring everyone else here with you to search for all the strange and inexplicable things. After all, in a place like this, there's got to be aliens, time travelers, and espers, right?

Only problem is, you haven't been able to find Kyon yet. If there's anyone who needs to see this, it's him.>

Welcome to Mind Screw Mafia, PLAYERNAME. You are Haruhi Suzumiya (from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya"). For three years you've been searching for the inexplicable, the strange, the weird... something that isn't boring like the normal world. Now you've found it, and you've got lots of people to share the fun with!

You are a Townie Dreaming God. You have the following special ability:

Dreams of Reality - Each night, you MUST choose to use any one of the following ten 1-shot abilities (if possible). You're not entirely sure what the abilities will do, but it's sure to be fun, so why not?

Your abilities are as follows: Whack A Mole, Hickory Dickory Dock, International Talk Like a Pirate Day, Political Campaign, Ghost Story, SOS-dan Recruitment Day, School Festival, Class Trip, Student Council Election, Count of Monte Cristo

You win when all other factions are dead, or nothing can prevent the same.

Please confirm via return PM.

---

Yosarian2:

I'm afraid Tarhalindur is out of the country; there are only so many locations where he can legally construct his next Mind Screw experiment. Now, last but not least, we have the "Goodfellas" Award for Best Performance by a Team. The winners are... the Town of Mushroom Kingdom!

The Town of Mushroom Kingdom

---

A red sun rises over the Mushroom Kingdom. The town gathers together, and counts three heads less than when they went to sleep. The town buries the burned bodies of skitzer, mnowax and Natirasha, after making sure they know their identities. mnowax and Natirasha were Toads, but skitzer only looked like a Toad: he was in fact a Parakoopa, one of the soldiers of Bowser's army. Was he the last threat to the Mushroom Kingdom?

The town decides to pull off their masks and show their true nature. Some of them had already claimed who they are, like Mario and his brother, and Toadsworth. But when Surye put away his disguise, they saw he was a Lakitu, another soldier of Bowser's army! "No worries," said Surye, "Bowser's army had way less coins than the Mushroom Kingdom, so I'm on your side." Indeed, Lakitus aren't always of the fiendish type like Koopas and Goombas, some of them even helped Mario in his adventures.

But everything that matters now, is that the Princess is safe, and so is the Mushroom Kingdom. The Toads go back to their calm lives, and Mario and his friends await their next adventure.

---

The audience applauds again politely as the winners come up on to the stage, but among them is cicero, who pushes his way through them.

Yosarian2:

cicero? What are you doing up here? You didn't win anything.

cicero:

I know! That's why I am here! What is the meaning of this? How can you not award me something?

Yosarian2:

You weren't even nominated in any of these categories...

cicero (ignoring him):

My whole world view is shattered. That's so unyosarian of you. How can I ever agree with you again?

Yosarian2:

Well, it's ok to disagree with me sometimes... I mean, not very often, but, you know, once in a while...

cicero collapses to his knees, weeping openly. Yosarian2 isn't sure what to do, so he reaches out a hand to console cicero. Suddenly, cicero whips out a pistol from somewhere hidden in his tuxedo and points it at Yosarian2.

Fortunately for the audience at home, the time delay allows the network to avoid showing Yosarian2's brains splattered all over the stage, and we cut to a commercial...

[mith]