So thank you for at least hearing me out and being blunt with me. I am going to preface the next post with a caveat. As long back as I can remember, I sometimes think I'm saying one thing, and what gets typed comes out as another. This is something I have struggled with and while I thought I was giving responses the way that was an accurate representation, based on your response to my earlier post I need to clear at least one thing up.
I'm going going to itemize it, it makes it easier for my brain to process.
Point 1: When I said I "had" to do what I did, that's not an accurate representation of what I was trying to say. Like you said, it's what I thought I had to do and that is a better way to phrase the thought I was trying to convey, but reading back is not what I typed, this is an example of my preface from earlier. Reducing my threat level after I learned what my perception was at the merge was a priority for me, and if I could find a way for a round or two to reduce that, I was willing to do it. You are correct. I did make that perception a reality in how I handled our relationship that round. Even if my intent was to lessen my threat level, I could have handled this a number of ways better and upon reflection I recognize that. This is a major reason I gave you an apology.
As to my personal growth and evolution, sadly a lot of it came after your elimination, so it's going to be difficult to describe without you seeing Madame and Margot's threads where they both acknowledge that I did this. During the Final 7 round, Royal made a very public post pointing out what he thought about all of our games up until that point. Specifically, I took the brunt of the less than positive criticisms, most of which I probably needed to hear and have that put publicly. The gist of it was that I was bad at people and jury managing, not "as slick as I think I am", and that my ungenuine relationship with Royal was noticed and not appreciated. There's a lot more to it, but it's publicly posted as "announcement" in the Crossed Keys, it's there, it's not hidden, everyone saw it.
This came a little while after Duke had quit.
Now, to explain why this sent me down a dark path, I have to back up a bit. On OG Ivanhoe, Duke was someone I noticed wasn't making a lot of connections with people right off the bat because of timing issues, which he acknowledged during round 2. However, the talks Duke and I had were profound and I really enjoyed him. I also saw him as someone I wanted to work with long term. He and I just had some incredible conversations and together we were able to talk through some tough situations. I came to rely on Duke a lot in this game and he was someone who I trusted a great deal.
So when Duke quit, I was devastated because a number of things I did this game were in tandem with him or to help progress both of us further in the game. The idea that someone I had been working so closely with and had come to rely on above most others quit like that was probably the lowest point I had all game.
And then Royal posted his post.
I felt a lot of what I'd been doing start to crash around me. I didn't know how to process so much, but after a night to process Duke's quit and start to re-think how I was going to approach the final rounds of the game, it dawned on me that Royal's post, while hard to digest, was a gift in disguise. In saying he didn't see how I could win this game, he put the idea out there that what I'd been going for wasn't for nothing. It meant that the perception had now shifted into reality. In doing so, I no longer needed to be "sneaky" I no longer needed to really worry about if people were trying to gun for me, it was the gift that I would likely be taken to the end of the game because of that perception. So rather than keep doing what I'd been doing, I started to really dig deep and look within myself to ask how I wanted to finish this game, rather than how I'd been conducting myself the couple rounds prior.
It dawned on me that I didn't need to keep doing what I was doing because it was not well received and a lot of damage had been done. It also meant what I was trying to go for had worked and now rather than a big social threat people needed to take out at the end of the game, I was seen as, and might have been a "Keith" to people. And it was in that moment of grand realization that I began to change how I was playing. I couldn't fix the past, but damn it I was going to try to do better in the future.
I stopped being "sneaky". I stopped trying to hide things. I had more direct in the conversations I was having. I was raw with the emotions as I had them and tried to focus on just being myself, rather than what I'd thought I had to be prior. I told people what I was thinking and how was I feeling, as much as I could without compromising ID related things. That's not to say what I was doing before wasn't real, I just dropped a lot of the non committal facade I had put on and instead treated the last few rounds of this game as a new opportunity, a chance to be more forthcoming with things and being in general, kinder, more respectful and more honest with others.
I know it's hard to see that given what I did to you, and I wish you had been around to see it, but I am the reason you weren't, so that's on me.
This leads into-
Point 2: The Richie thing. So before I dive too much into this, I want to say, yes I did indeed eventually confront him about all of this, but it didn't come until I had my change in how I was playing after the Royal post.
Prior to the revote in f10, I actually trusted Richie quite a bit. We originally were both in a chat called The 4 horsemen that formed between myself/gustave/him/Anthony early in original Ivanhoe which I thought was going to be something I was going to be with long term. In addition, Richie and I were also in the Society of Crossed Keys chat which you were part of, so you know about it. Richie and I spent a lot of time comparing and contrasting notes at that time, and I shared thoughts with him I didn't share with anyone else. Specifically about the auction. I shared some mathematical deductions on who I possibly thought could have voted on items that, although I did share with some others, I went into greater detail with Richie specifically. However, I was shot down and said, it's probably not worth making those assumptions. Although he had a point, I pretty much took that at face value. I have since learned that there were reasons for this (sadly not till after the final 10 round) and I should have started suspecting him at that time. But I didn't.
Richie actually bid on at least two items that I know of and got them. One was the Heist Plans at the auction which gave him the idol he later played at the final 5. The other was the rings. At some point after final 10, he used the rings with Madame which basically meant they couldn't vote for each other to a certain point. Either way, both of these things should have been bigger red flags for me at the time, but that was the first instance where Richie "withheld" information. This meant the entirety of the Society of the Crossed Keys was built on false pretense, though again, I wouldn't find out about this until much later. If anything, those were just "withheld information" bits that started at least this early from what I have gathered after a lot of time I spent wondering.
So after the Kylie vote, and after two rounds of being immune, Richie was someone I was still having deep talks with and thinking about the game as a whole and what made sense. During the mutiny round, Richie left, and we all just naturally assumed he left involuntarily. However, during the revote round, the biggest reason I chose to flip and vote you out was that I learned from Duke, that Duke had actually tried to mutiny that round, and wasn't allowed. Now I trusted Duke a lot, he'd been super up front about information with me and we compared a lot of notes. We drew each other pictures, and he gave me the Dog Flu Serum that you had given him. Between all of this, Duke is someone whose word I took as the truth. So if Duke tried to mutiny and didn't actually mutiny, what actually happened?
Well if you recall in that chat, Richie made a very colorful word choice when asked about what happened. I believe he used the words "preferred the term yoinked"? Either way the indication was that he didn't willingly go to Rushmore during the mutiny round, right? Well one of Duke or Richie had to be lying to me at that point, and based on the fact that I'd formed such a strong bond with Duke, I figured out, without a doubt in my mind, that Richie at the very least had been lying to me about the mutiny round. He may have told others what really happened in private, but the fact I had to find out and that he almost got away with it suddenly scared the shit out of me and I said, "okay fuck that noise" I'm not going to play his game anymore and figure out another plan.
As far as other "stretched truths", the Suzy/Margot rumor you mentioned was one of those things, there was something about Margot saying things she claimed not to say, I heard about Richie leaking stuff to Royal, however like you I had nothing concrete to substantiate the rest of this and most of it was heresay, and I'm not saying it's wrong to lie in the game of survivor, but the big thing was the mutiny round. I spent most of my time on Trash Island, trying to help find ways to make your lives on Grover Cleveland High School not shitty by voting out Anthony to satisfy the narrative we weren't one big happy OG Camp Ivanhoe family. And here was Richie being sneaky, despite me telling him a lot of things I regret in hind sight. I honestly don't even know if it was fully intentional, but if he was lying about the mutiny round, what else was he lying about?
We had words around final 7 or final 6 when I finally decided to confront him. That being said, even after that he swore up and down he was going to vote Gustave at the final 5 and gave me all these good reasons as to why Gustave was the best vote, he still idoled and voted out Suzy instead. So this entire game, I thought Richie and I were super close and tight, and yet there were all these things being said and at least a few of the things he said were just straight up not true.
I'm not saying I played some squeaky clean game, I clearly didn't, but I didn't do anything like that to Richie.
At that point, it was the realization I had that he was closer to others than he was me, at least that was my perception, and I know from discussions that you two were super close.
That, coupled with the facts I listed in my opening speech to you, about why voting you out made sense to me, lead me to the conclusion that you were a better vote option for me that round on the revote. Things I told Richie never seemed to fully stay with Richie and it was around this time I had that epiphany also. With having verified he was lying, and verifying how close you two were, I didn't know what I could confront you with as I knew you two were close and anything I told Richie I was afraid was going to leak elsewhere. So it's one way to see that I didn't tell you because I was intending on screwing you over, and to a degree I could have handled it better, I wholeheartedly acknowledge that, but on the other hand I couldn't switch the vote off of you to Richie because it was a revote phase when I found a good chunk of this stuff out. It also provided an opportunity, as I've explained, where I felt it could help me lessen my threat level if I did it, but that was only part of it. Did I handle that situation the best? After a lot of self reflection and my own personal growth this game, I think about that moment and think about the ways I could have handled it better including at the very least letting you know I was doing that. But I can't fix that now and all I can do is explain my thoughts at that time and explain what I was trying to do.
And finally-
Point 3:
Were you a threat, yes. Were you the biggest threat? No. You say you hadn't won a challenge since the merge began, however you displayed pretty significant challenge prowess prior to the merge. The lock challenge was probably the first time I saw just how smart you were. You have the ability to think on a plane that I don't think a lot of people have the ability to think on. I still don't understand how the hell you came up with the strategy we used in that challenge that won it for us. You also proved you could handle flash challenges when you won the mendles and later the individual simon says challenge on Grover Cleveland High School. And did Margot absolutely dominate in challenges the first few rounds? Yes. However you usually were right there in the running on every challenge. At the time, there wasn't very much to go off of. However, as you yourself stated, you stopped trusting me. Now I wasn't absolutely sure you did or didn't trust me, because we still had Society of the Crossed Keys. However I knew we were going to have problems long term the round you suggested Duke or Gustave as the vote. Those were both people I was working with very closely and two people I wanted to roll with in the long run. I don't think it was a well guarded secret that I liked Duke. At least, if it was, then I was doing a bad job of making it obvious. Between the pictures, telling people to reach out to him, and making my general thoughts known, I pretty much made that clear. I'm not sure if it was a subtle nod that you were pressing me to see how I would react to those suggestions, but it very much felt like you and I were going to have problems progressing further. Royal and I basically had next to no relationship at that point, though I wasn't closed off, I think our schedules just really didn't align and we didn't spend a lot of time together pre-merge. In addition, I wasn't getting more regular messages from you because from what I understand you were busy.
However it was more about the connections that you had, and that I know you and Richie (and Royal) were close. This round proved it to me. But even then, I still voted with you for Madame initially. If I had been truly against you at that point, I could have put my vote on you and you would have gone home and avoided a lot of the headache that was the next 24 hours. But if I didn't do that, I wouldn't have learned what I did and used it to progress forward in the game.
Were you the biggest threat? No. Were you a threat to my position in the game where I'd have to fold and just hope you'd protect me? Yes. Maybe you weren't a threat in the "was winning challenges" or "handling things the best", but you were a threat to me from a social perspective given who you were aligned with and who was willing to stick up for you. In fact if Madame had gone that round, I might have actually been in a much worse position knowing what I learned in the revote phase.
And although this last part wasn't a point, you did ask another question so I'm going to turn it into-
Point 4:
I think I committed to Duke, Suzy and Gustave pretty hard. Beyond that? I kept up relationships to gather what made sense to progress forward in the game. Did I do so by being friendly and not hard committing to anything? To a degree, yes that is an accurate description. But prior to your elimination I did things to actively remove the target from Suzy, Gustave and Duke. Madame and Margot weren't sure about Suzy at one point and I vouched for her to help us progress further. When you brought up Gustave and Duke, I shot that down. So to say I wasn't committed to specific people is not an accurate representation of my game. I was even willing to go to rocks at final 8 for Gustave, Duke and Suzy. Were they willing to go to rocks for me? I would hope so, but because of the quit we will never find out.
Once Duke quit, I was a lot more open with thoughts and receptive to being willing to consider other options. I never considered voting Suzy or Duke at any point. I did have to consider voting out Gustave at 6, even though Suzy and I were able to make a deal with Madame which bought us another round and ultimately I was the actual target anyways. At final 5, I had to vote one of the three people who had saved me in the last round since Richie won immunity, so at that point with the others saying Gustave, that was the first and only time all game I ended up voting him, and Madame knew probably better than anyone that the decision was tearing me apart. I had a big discussion with him on what I was being told and hearing, which should also show the evolution and growth of my game. Gustave, Suzy and Duke never did me any wrong this game and things I did helped protect them. That's not to say at various junctions there weren't others I was open to working with and felt it was in my best interest to protect them, but those are probably the three people I focused on the most.
This took a long time to write and a good chunk of this I wish I could have put in my opening speech, so I appreciate you asking me so I could elaborate further on the topics.
If you have further questions or want further clarification, please ask, but note that I have classes tomorrow so if you want more detailed/thought out responses such as this I need them tonight unless the mods are allowing more responses after the deadline tomorrow (I didn't see that in the description of Pitch Meetings though).
Topic: {Young Writer} (Read 391 times)
