Ok, so, I've had some time to recover and think about the events of this game, and honestly, I'm probably not gonna play Survivor again. Like, don't get me wrong - I genuinely enjoyed playing this game and had a fun time, so it's not a "Oh I think this game is stupid and hate it" type thing. The issue lies within my own problems and issues. I know this forum isn't really the right place to discuss it--(yet at the same time, it is since it's related to this game?)--so I'm going to probably not really going to discuss it until post-game, and even that'll be a "if you really want to know more details" but knowing me as well - this will be the full story.
It is spoilered, since I'm writing this ahead of time, and I can tell you for a fact it's going to go into some topics that not everyone will want to read.
Spoiler
So, the main issue I have with this game - I have self-esteem issues. I don't know how openly I've talked about this on MS, but I know I've at least touched on it during SUPP. I'm going to assume you have no idea about that though, for the sake of writing this.
Yes, I have self-esteem issues. Severe, self-esteem issues. It's gotten better as I've gotten older and separated from my parents and stuff, but it's still an issue. The main problem with it is that I have really no way of valuing my own skills, and worth outside of what other people think of me. As a result of this, it's really easy for me to get into really negative and self-harming mindsets, even in situations where I shouldn't. Like this game.
I know this is a game. I know people are forming opinions of me based on how I'm approaching the game. I can factually tell you all these things; HOWEVER, that doesn't stop my mind from going "but what if they genuinely think that about you, as a person, even though this is a game? Like what if they hold this against you, outside of the game?" and like... no matter how much I try to convince myself that isn't the case, I genuinely can't shake that feeling. That's where the issue of this all lies in. In a game about being social and getting people to like you, I strongly struggle with criticism. I strongly struggle with the paranoia that people are just leading me on for some ulterior motive. I strongly struggle with knowing what people truly think about me, especially if it's not favorable. Hell, one of my greatest fears in life is that someone close to me is going to blackmail me. Do you know the odds of that *actually* happening without me picking up on some indicator that would happen? Literally zero. It's literally impossible for that to happen.
People can tell me that's not the case, people can tell me they like me, people can do literally anything -- even prove to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that *will* not and *cannot* happen, and I will still sit here and go "huh, what if they're trying to just manipulate me though?" and then get into this negative mindset again. My genuine hope with this game was that *wasn't* the case where I'd start getting into these negative mindsets. But, truthfully, it really did happen a lot. I don't think I, Kori, responded to most of the PMs past a certain point. I wanna say the first TC, maybe even the second one, was genuinely mostly me. Past that point, it slowly started to become less me replying, and someone else replying, while masking as me to try to not give away this was going on. (The reason for that as well, I can tell you, is because there are three users on MS I can think of, who have openly stated they dissociate: Me, Lady Lambdadelta, and Flea the Magician. That's irrelevant, but still something I feel I should bring up.)
The only reason why I know that it wasn't me responding to PMs is because a lot of my messages I can generally tell how I was feeling during that message, and get a general vibe for it. A lot of my PMs past a certain point, I have no idea what I was feeling, and that tells me I wasn't the one fronting. I can talk to the other alters, ask them why this was the case, but I genuinely think I know the answer I'm going to get: "It was to stop you from getting so paranoid, you feed into this negative mindset." I can guarantee you that would be the answer here. While I did have fun playing the game, and genuinely did enjoy playing this game, I just don't think it's healthy for me.
This is, of course, barring the time I've just sunk into this game too. That's an entirely different beast though, and like, I'm not willing to type up another essay on that currently, so it'll have to wait. I may never do it either. I don't know.
The only other aside is that I don't want y'all to say "Oh I'm sorry to hear that" because that honestly is one of the few statements that just genuinely makes me start questioning what your intent is when talking to me, and as stated above, even if I know your intent is pure, (which in this case, I can guarantee it would be), I'm still going to sit here and start getting paranoid about it, and that's just not healthy. I don't really fully know if I even want this post to be addressed, or start a further dialogue around it. I know for a fact, post-game, I'd be much happier to discuss it, since that's private at that point, and it really does stim my paranoia of "oh someone's going to blackmail me."
tl;dr - I, Kori, didn't actually play most of this game and spend most of the game dissociated due to the fact I have severe self-esteem issues. It's just not healthy for me to play a game like this when I have these issues to this extent I do.
Topic: 13th Place: Foxy Fox (Read 485 times)
