[Life in General - Potentially IDable information found here]

[Rust Cohle]

If you don't want to see information that might be IDable turn back down.  You've been warned.

I won't be shouting my identity from the rooftops but I'll be using this thread to express myself about real life issues and feelings.  I appreciate any spectators who do come around to chat.

[Rust Cohle]

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[Rust Cohle]

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[Rust Cohle]

It's been an incredibly difficult couple of weeks for me.  A week ago today was my mom's funeral.  She passed away unexpectedly and I'm still basically in shock.  I nearly withdrew my application for this game, but playing Survivor in this community is something that brings me joy and a sense of normalcy.  I hope I can keep it together.  This is a big reason why I'm going to avoid any personal or emotional connections this time around.

I traveled for the service and to sit Shiva with my family, I only got home on Wednesday night.  Her seven day Yarzheit candle is still burning in front of me right now between two pictures of her.  She would be happy to know my sister and I both lit Yarzheit candles for her.  We did it together over a video call the night I got back home.  Our Judaism meant a lot to mom even though we weren't an overtly religious household.  She was finally able to go to Israel two years ago with her own mom and sister and brother, I'm so glad now that they made the trip even though at the time I thought it was crazy for my nearly 95 year old grandmother to be flying halfway around the world.

My niece was born at the beginning of May.  It was her first grandchild.  Because of the pandemic she never got to meet the baby.  I think that makes me sadder than anything.  I can't believe it.  She wanted so desperately to fly up and be there for the birth, but my sister and I didn't let her go because flying seemed so unsafe and she was in an at-risk group for the virus.  My poor sister is going to carry that guilt with her for the rest of her life.  I was supposed to go visit mom this month, but I had to cancel those plans because my work was reopening earlier than I expected.  The last time I saw her was Thanksgiving.

I'm still crying out of the blue at the strangest times.  I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow and I already know I'm going to be a mess.  I keep thinking about her, or about the baby she never met, or about my grandmother sobbing at the funeral, or about how none of us could keep it together to sing the Mourner's Kaddish with the rabbi.  I'm saying the Kaddish for her every night now.  For a parent one must recite the kaddish daily for eleven months.  It's the only religious observance I've kept since my Bar Mitzvah.

I miss my mom.

[Tachikoma]

I'm sure this won't especially help, but I'm so sorry.

[Heiji Hattori]

First of all, thank you for sharing. Even though we are just mere spectators. Whatever your thoughts, whatever your words, we will listen to them all for you. We're here for you.

I've been thinking of a lot during social distancing and the relationships that we have. For you to have to experience these emotions, I really can't offer you a good sense of solace. I know you have family and friends who are by your side. And even if we are not of the same religion, I will offer a prayer for you, your mother, and all those that your lives have touched, that you can get a sense of peace.

A song I really like have these lyrics and they help me out everytime my heart starts to feel stifled:
Take a deep breath until both sides of your heart get numb
Until it hurts a little
Let out your breath even more until you feel like there’s nothing left inside
It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright are just words

Someone’s breath. That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you

Thank you again for your thoughts. Whether here on these forums, whether you want to chat in real life after this is over, I'm here. Breathe, and I'll walk with you on the next part of your journey.

- Hattori

[Raymond Holt]

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's awful. My condolences.

[Rust Cohle]

Thank you all, I very much appreciate it.

I'm at work now and everyone wants to give me a hug.  I'm scoping out areas I can hide in if I need to be alone for a while.

[Rust Cohle]

My sister just made a post about everything on Facebook that I definitely should not have looked at while at work, now I'm crying in front of customers and the rest of the staff.  I don't want to be here.

[Rust Cohle]

I really wish I could just call her on the phone right now and she would pick up

[Rust Cohle]

The Yarzheit candle is finished.  She's really gone.  May her memory be a blessing.

[Joss Carter]

*hugs*

[Rust Cohle]

I'm the manager of a very big business operation, and our company has a second location here in the same city.  The GM of that location resigned unexpectedly while I was out of town.  Now I'm going to spend the next month running both markets with a specific focus on getting the other one up to our standards, as it turns out the previous GM there wasn't so much good at his job as he was good at faking like everything was running smoothly whenever the bosses came in.  I suspect the this resignation was actually just allowing him to save face when he was informed he was being terminated.  My job just got a lot more complex, but it's also a huge opportunity.  I just got off of a phone call with my boss and he told me off the record that I'm in line to be offered a position as a managing partner with an equity stake in the business and profit sharing.  It wasn't all that long ago that I was resigned to bartending for the rest of my life and never making more than 35 grand a year.

Mom would have been the first person I called about this.

[Finnick]

what an absolutely crazy time you're going through!

how are you coping with the change?

[Heiji Hattori]

This is great news. Congratulations and best wishes on your way up the ladder. I 'm rooting for you.