Snake Oil: Sale Six - Place your Orders!

[biancospino]

We require abductees. That is exact.

We shan't perform procedures that may harm the subject. Yet, we shall study the subjects. The accomodation, be clear, will conform to what your species may call "humane"; indeed, captives shall receive all comforts, and may live most freely among our members, as prized guests of honor.

Consider thy reality on Earth: thou art alone, lost; hast no hope of returning to what you may call home. Acquiesce abduction by our vessels, and we shall give thee a new loving home, for a meager price of knowledge.

Edit: typo

[biancospino]

It's what has been haunting your dreams. What you've been yearning to know your entire life. It's been eating at your very soul, and it's the only thing that'll get you off this island. Fortunately, I know the secret that has been passed down for generations. For a nominal fee, I can tell you this wisdom.

I'm intrigued, but how could knowledge alone save me from this island? For wondrous that it may be, I'll still need to physically manage to leave somehow.

Ahoy there,

castaway

! Ever dreamt of escaping your deserted island paradise? Introducing the

Fire Key

! Picture this: with just a flick of this enchanted key, you unlock the power of fire itself. No more struggling to start a signal fire; with the

Fire Key

, you'll ignite a roaring blaze in seconds, signaling for rescue with ease. But that's not all! This magical key doubles as a beacon, guiding ships to your remote island haven. Say goodbye to isolation and hello to salvation with the

Fire Key

– your ticket to freedom from the confines of your deserted oasis!

Introducing the

Noise Belt

! With this handy (hip-y?) belt, you'll be able to make so much noise that every ship in a 30 km (18 miles) radius will notice your presence and come to your aid. You'll be a castaway no more! To get the

Noise Belt

, simply dial our number on your phone - our smart satelities will be able to pick up your call, even on a desert island! And as a bonus, it's also great for parties. ORDER NOW!

Your products appear to have a pretty similar main purpose, that is, attracting ships (plus some secondary bonuses). What advantages will one give me over the other in that regard?
(Also, won't I be in trouble with the Noise Belt when my phone battery dies? It probably won't be much longer now...)

[JerryArr]

It's what has been haunting your dreams. What you've been yearning to know your entire life. It's been eating at your very soul, and it's the only thing that'll get you off this island. Fortunately, I know the secret that has been passed down for generations. For a nominal fee, I can tell you this wisdom.

I'm intrigued, but how could knowledge alone save me from this island? For wondrous that it may be, I'll still need to physically manage to leave somehow.

Obviously, I cannot give away too much, but suffice to say, once you realize the

Shell Truth

, all of your needs will be met, and then some.

---

How big is the

Fire Key

? Can it fit in a pocket?

Does the

Noise Belt

have a way to adjust the volume?

If I buy the

Star Ticket

, how will you treat my friend Jeff, who is definitely not just a coconut attached to some palm leaves and shoelaces?

[biancospino]

If I buy the

Star Ticket

, how will you treat my friend Jeff, who is definitely not just a coconut attached to some palm leaves and shoelaces?

Thy possessions are thine own. We shan't violate them. Any possession you deem thy companion thou are allowed to keep as thou'dst see fit.

Shall thou require special considerations for the storage of Jeff, we shall provide. We strongly suggest that any extraneous flora we import be fitted in a specialized refrigerated room to avoid decomposition; such we can grant to Jeff, shall thou so desire.

[imaginality]

As another sunny day dawns on your island, remember you only have today left to place your Orders. Don't let these fabulous items drift away!

[DragonEater70]

Oops I forgot about this.

Does the Noise Belt
have a way to adjust the volume?

Yes, a volume knob is attached to the belt.

Your products appear to have a pretty similar main purpose, that is, attracting ships (plus some secondary bonuses). What advantages will one give me over the other in that regard?

Oh, I forgot to mention one of the best features of the Noise Belt. How stupid of me. Why, the Noise Belt, aside from attracting ships, can also help you hunt for food by imitating the mating calls of over 100 species of tropical animals!

[imaginality]

Dusk falls on the island, your hammock swaying gently as you sip coconut water through a bamboo-stick straw. You hear a sound from afar, a voice carried across the waves on the warm evening breeze:

"The best-selling Item in Sale Three was the Star Ticket!"

[imaginality]

We're halfway through the game, and hopefully you're finding it fun so far - there's certainly been a great mix of ideas and some entertaining pitches and answers!

Our current standings:

biancospino - 7 points
JerryArr - 2 points
DragonEater70 - 2 points
Jake The Wolfie - 1 point
Charles510 - 0 points

With five players in the game, it's possible to win as many as 5 points per Sale if your Item is impressive enough (4 Orders plus the bonus point), so there's still everything to play for!

[imaginality]

Sale Four

has begun - you can advertise your Items now!

You are pitching your products to a

Teacher

.

The Advertising phase ends when everyone has advertised their Items or in

(expired on 2024-05-19 11:20:00)

[JerryArr]

Listen up. Fostering an environment where your kids want to learn, and are happy to do so, is very important. Unfortunately, not everyone feels the same way. The people who think schools should just be a homogenization facility don't like when kids have a positive outlook on life. You should do something about that. It's cool, it's educational, it's sleek, and it helps you teach kids about physics... especially projectile physics. It's the

Desk Tank

! Teach your kids history, while making teacher haters history!

[Jake The Wolfie]

Apologies for the sudden disappearance, our previous Head of Advertisement and Sales was found dead shortly after posting "I'm literally dying right now" in response to an internet post. We should be ready for the next round of sales shortly.

[DragonEater70]

We're halfway through the game, and hopefully you're finding it fun so far - there's certainly been a great mix of ideas and some entertaining pitches and answers!

Our current standings:

biancospino - 7 points
JerryArr - 2 points
DragonEater70 - 2 points
Jake The Wolfie - 1 point
Charles510 - 0 points

With five players in the game, it's possible to win as many as 5 points per Sale if your Item is impressive enough (4 Orders plus the bonus point), so there's still everything to play for!

Assuming I got two votes in the round I won, wouldn't I have 3 points?

[Charles510]

Hello, dedicated

teacher

! Looking to make your lessons unforgettable? Introducing the

Game Shirt

! This isn't just any shirt – it transforms your classroom into an interactive learning experience. With embedded educational games right on the fabric, students can engage with subjects like math, science, and history in a fun, hands-on way. Simply point to a section, and watch as your lessons come to life. The

Game Shirt

is your ultimate tool for captivating young minds and making education exciting. Turn every class into an adventure with the

Game Shirt

!

[imaginality]

Assuming I got two votes in the round I won, wouldn't I have 3 points?

Sale Two was initially a three-way tie (1 Order each) but you were tied with Charles510 and Jake The Wolfie who both didn't vote, and therefore both lost a point for not voting, making your Item the sole winner. So you correctly earned 2 points for that Sale.

[DragonEater70]

Oh, I see!

[biancospino]

Are you affronted by your students snoozing during your lessons? Disenhearted by them dozing off and looking uninterested at the slightest hint of monotony, unless you jump through absurd hoops to keep them engaged? Do you wish you could just say your piece and have them

listen

for once?

Introducing the

Sleep Net

.
It produces a thin, imperceptible mist of histamine that will fill the room, casting a protective net over your pupils' wakefulness. Rest assured that, should those brats ever dare get bored, they will helpfully be prevented from falling asleep. No more escaping to Nod to eschew learning!

[Jake The Wolfie]

Head Powder

, apply directly to the forehead.

Head Powder

, apply directly to the forehead.

Head Powder

, apply directly to the forehead.

Head Powder

, apply directly to the forehead.

[DragonEater70]

"Dear teachers," says the school's headmaster, "I know you are all furstrated because the loud, rowdy, and troublesome teenagers in you class are loud, rowdy and troublesome due to their hormones, and therefore you think that this situation cannot be changed..."
A balding male teacher, a female teacher with thick glasses, and an Asian-looking teacher all nod gravely.
"...but with the

Hormone Murder

, you will be able to disable their hormones. That's right! Just bring it into class and turn it on before the lesson begins, and you'll never have loud, rowdy, troublesome students again!"
He faces the camera, smiling widely. "Order the

Hormone Murder

for your school now!"

[imaginality]

All the products have been pitched, so it's now time to learn more, and order the Item of your choice!

The Ordering phase ends when all orders are placed or in

(expired on 2024-05-22 11:45:00)

[JerryArr]

How does the

Game Shirt

protect against accidental pointing?

How was the

Sleep Net

tested to make sure it's safe?

How is

Head Powder

stored?

Are you concerned with the name "

Hormone Murder

" in terms of its marketability?

[Jake The Wolfie]

How is

Head Powder

stored?

For maximal effect, store

Head Powder

in a cool, dry area when not applying directly to the forehead.

[DragonEater70]

Are you concerned with the name "Hormone Murder" in terms of its marketability?

While murder in general is considered distasteful, our market research team assures us that our intended audience (that is, teachers) tends to have homicidal thoughts as a result of their students' behavior quite frequently. We believe that our product provides a healthy, non-harmful alternative to the murder they desire.

[Jake The Wolfie]

Does

Hormone Murder

have any long-lasting side effects?

[DragonEater70]

Although there are a few claims by parents who misused the product that the

Hormone Murder

has turned their children into emotionless zombies, this has not been proven at all! Those are just rumors! And even if it were true, it's not our fault they misused the product! It clearly says not to use at home on the package.

[Jake The Wolfie]

If it can't be used at home, then how am I, a private housecall teacher, supposed to use it?