Mini 2292: Anything uPick - Game Over!

[Lady Lambdadelta]

I don't knyow why im being like this this game but fuck it I'm gonna have fun being all cringe and embarassing and letting parts of me that would cause me shame out because peiple can judge me don't i deserve judgement for being weird and freakish?

I mean, um,

Meow

[Alisae]

I can't believe the flavor in the votecounts can be ANYTHING

wow

it could even be this post

Or it could be me nya!

It could even be-

[Alisae]

I don't knyow why im being like this this game but fuck it I'm gonna have fun being all cringe and embarassing and letting parts of me that would cause me shame out because peiple can judge me don't i deserve judgement for being weird and freakish?

I mean, um,

Meow

I don't really care I think ur awesome

[Alisae]

doubt anyone is judgmental here

[Lady Lambdadelta]

Its more me than anyone else

My brain makes me think standing out and being weird or even being my true self as opposed to a version i can sell a story of are painful. Harmful.

Gets me killed or hurt.

It's my own Brian that strangles my ability to be myself.

[Alisae]

[Here There Be Dragons]

I don't knyow why im being like this this game but fuck it I'm gonna have fun being all cringe and embarassing and letting parts of me that would cause me shame out because peiple can judge me don't i deserve judgement for being weird and freakish?

I mean, um,

Meow

"I may be cringe, but I am free."

-Lux

P.S. meow

[Here There Be Dragons]

Meow

-tenebrae

[Lady Lambdadelta]

Do you knkw how much joy I have denied myself just by being afraid to be hurt and judged? By the agony my parents caused god

I find things that bring me joy but i can only enjoy them in private because shame shame shame shame shame.
Even shit like not being human or or

[Lady Lambdadelta]

God I feel broken

[Lady Lambdadelta]

Qhy am I having an existential crisis in a mafia game

[Lady Lambdadelta]

Meow

[Alisae]

I find things that bring me joy but i can only enjoy them in private because shame shame shame shame shame.

I feel this way about topics I feel like are taboo.
I once accidentally pasted something on my clip board that I would consider taboo and like some people didn't seem to care but there are still some in that community that slander me behind my back and bring that up

[Cephrir]

Ego <3

[Alisae]

I feel like a broken person as well but I think we're not all perfect and we're just tryna do our best and at the end of the day we're all people with our own struggles

[Here There Be Dragons]

I'd be down to mutually agree to all be gigantic nerds this game.

Personally I think of myself as like, bent but not broken. Damaged yet valuable. It's not true that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, that's kind of problematic it turns out, but it doesn't necessarily make us weaker either.

If you're finding a way to access certain joys now that you haven't let yourself have before, then I am proud of you. <3

-cephy

[Lady Lambdadelta]

I feel like a broken person as well but I think we're not all perfect and we're just tryna do our best and at the end of the day we're all people with our own struggles

Spoiler: not game thoughts

i feel you on that but i literally used to be part of the furry community in newfoundland had furries for friends all over and went to parties with them, slept with them, you know just... casual furry things and yet i would constantly say "not a furry tho" because i was too ashamed to interalize it with a GROUP OF PEOPLE FOR WHOM THAT IS THE WHOLE IDENTIFYING ASPECT.

like who the fuck are we anyway and why can't we just let GO of this senseless idea that we have to be liked or considered in control

do you know what i hear people tell me all the time?

they tell me how they view me as having everything all together, because i was able to accomplish so much in terms of my goals and i hold myself publicly so so so well

but in truth i'm just living a nightmare scraping for survival every day. i never stopped being that kid my parents beat fear into. i'm not in control i'm just better in crisis than anyone i've known ever. it's like all the levers get pulled and everythign turns off and suddenly this massive burst of competence comes out.

i've helped save my friends from psychiatric holds that would have ended their freedom and agency on multiple occasions by walking them through how to attack the system that is holding them, survive and play their way out. if you had asked me prior to that moment what to do, or even now i really don't know but then someone's in danger?

click. it's time to shed all the outer layers that let me pretend to be human or normal or something worth loving and be the Weapon i was raised to be for the benefit of others. gotta save them.

and even discussing THAT is shameful to me. i literally saved my friends' life more or less and i felt nothing. no joy no jubilation no pride just that i had completed my job and i should be ashamed for having acted that way.

i have a plushie dog that i cuddle her name is penny she's my trauma doggie, because when my PTSD makes me shake so badly that i think someone's coming to kill me i hug her and things feel more real again.

but i'm ashamed to admit i have or need that because normal people don't need those crtuches and don't have ptsd flashbacks and don't rely on childish tools like stuffies.

that's how my brain thinks. it denies me everything.

[Lady Lambdadelta]

I'd be down to mutually agree to all be gigantic nerds this game.

Personally I think of myself as like, bent but not broken. Damaged yet valuable. It's not true that what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, that's kind of problematic it turns out, but it doesn't necessarily make us weaker either.

If you're finding a way to access certain joys now that you haven't let yourself have before, then I am proud of you. <3

-cephy

my brain screams that this is a trap

that i'll bear my heart and someone will crush it for having dared to show vulnerability to someone or expose my actual self to harm beyond the layers of my Ego.

but i trust you, ceph. maybe it's some aspect of "i know you in persno and have played board games with you and that joy sticks in my brain and reminds me that this is real and available"

so i'll... try. i really will. i'm scared of slipping back into the shell of my own Ego and not coming out again despite this moment of vulnerability.

like a crack formed to let this all out and by time i wake tomorrow it'll be patched and i'll be alone again

[Here There Be Dragons]

Vulnerability is hard. Especially if you've been trained to see it as weakness. I personally feel that that is deeply wrong and being able to trust in that way is actually strength.

Even if tomorrow you don't feel the way you do right now, the moment still happened and still mattered, and perhaps it's a step towards being able to be your authentic self a little more often.

-cephy

[Here There Be Dragons]

Who needs mafia, let's just have group therapy. Heh.

-cephy

[Here There Be Dragons]

Dear SirCakez,

My selection for anything uPick will be my greatest fantasy. I wish to play as a functioning adult.

***

Dear Cephrir,

Please choose something less ridiculous and impossible.

[Lady Lambdadelta]

Vulnerability is hard. Especially if you've been trained to see it as weakness. I personally feel that that is deeply wrong and being able to trust in that way is actually strength.

Even if tomorrow you don't feel the way you do right now, the moment still happened and still mattered, and perhaps it's a step towards being able to be your authentic self a little more often.

-cephy

i just hate how closed off and alone i feel so god damned always, afraid of being judged for liking something or being something or expressing earnestly how i am.

i feel so alone and lost.

[Lady Lambdadelta]

Dear SirCakez,

My selection for anything uPick will be my greatest fantasy. I wish to play as a functioning adult.

***

Dear Cephrir,

Please choose something less ridiculous and impossible.

lol

[Lady Lambdadelta]

Who needs mafia, let's just have group therapy. Heh.

-cephy

yeah, sorry for that. didn't mean to make the game all about me and shit

[Here There Be Dragons]

I've found it easier to try out liking something in internet spaces and see how it feels. Maybe that's an obvious thing to say. Even despite that it took me a pretty long time to admit to being a furry on MS. I'd like to say I no longer have any shame around that, but I'd be lying. It's something I can only share with Safe People, which usually means other furries.

I dunno if I can solve the alone thing and that is a thing that cuts to my core in some ways. But I do think I can promise to be a Safe Person for liking things or earnestness. Maybe since you've gotten this far you sense that about most of the people here?

Pedit: oh, that post about group therapy wasn't meant to be sarcastic. Apologies if it sounded that way.