Snake Oil: Sale Five - Advertising Phase

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Are you tired of your team losing, match after match, despite your fun coreography and your joyful cheers? If your team wants the trophy, your job isn't to cheer for them; but to make the other side lose.

Introducing the

Fear Broom

™.

A novel pom-pom with state-of-the-art programmable bristles, engineered to move in hypnotic patterns that target the neural paths in the amygdala responsible for the activation of fear, leaving the opposing team in a state of deep primal dread; despair hindering their performance; an inexplicable sense of impending doom shadowing their motivation; victory will become a piece of cake!

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For the

Fear Broom

™, is this effect ethical? It seems like things could go very wrong very fast if this products ends up in the wrong hands.

Our legal team has determined that (by sapient use of loopholes) it does not strictly violate any law on the books in any state, which is basically the same as being ethical. Perhaps some dusty philosophers want you to believe there's more to morality than legality, but they just don't want you to live up to your full potential.
And besides, if you are afraid of this one-of-a-kind marvel falling into the wrong hands, that's even more incentive to assure it falls into yours. You wouldn't want some bad actor taking hold of it, would you?

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About the

Machine Friend

; I'm afraid it may just steal my mascot's job. If it does everything that I do on the field, what need there will be of me?

Is the

Lava suit

capable of working during rains? And if it is, can it avoid producing huge amounts of smoke?

How can the

Scream Leash

determine what sound is it best for it to produce? A crowd can do many different kind of roars depending on the circumstances

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The

Lava Suit

will produce a plume of steam when worn in the rain!

Isn't the smoke going to obscure the fans' view of the game?

Also, your answer to Jake has been mighty wiggly; the user may be fine (not that it's clear how can thet be, mind) but what about the

environment

? Grass is flammable...

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How good is the

Fear Broom

™ at being a broom?

Well it

has

bristles, and as such can reasonably be used as a broom, but likely not a good one. Not only it's specifically designed to be wielded as a pom-pom, but also the mechanically moving bristles are likely going to spread the dust around.

Also, excessive amount of dust and/or grime can damage some components; damage caused by usage unaligned with the product's intended purpose voids the product's warranty.

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Elbows deep in mud, shovel in hand, you're to retrieve riches of lives unremembered when, what's this fleshly wiggling? Has a worm slid under your gloves, a locust pinched your skin in its jaws, a spider burrowed in your boots' warmth? Could there be a better way?

The

Insect Eraser

™ to the rescue! A seedlike capsule, to be planted underground. Over minutes, it'll release noxious chemicals in a small radius, exterminating all those annoying critters inhabiting your ghastly treasure chest. As a bonus, it'll also release silver, garlic and wolfsbane, guaranteeing your bootie's past owner is

truly

dead!

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Hello, fellow

grave robbers

respected, dungeuon-delving adventurers! Have you ever attempted to access underground catacombs holding untold treasures, only to find yourself combating hordes of skeletal guards? Or, have you ever found yourself 3 floors deep underground in an ancient pyramid, trying to solve a puzzle that requires sunlight in total darkness? Well, we might just have the solution for you. Get the

Sun River™

now, and you'll never have to worry again about any of these troubles. The

Sun River™

allows you to unleash the power of the sun, anywhere, any time! Simply place the river mouth on a solid surface and rotate the valve clockwise, and you will unleash a stream of sun energy able to decimate every opponent or puzzle that stands in your way!*

*Note that you might also decimate the grave you're robbing, your friends, or even the planet itself. The sun is quite powerful after all. Please use with caution.

How could you manage to trap the power of nuclear fusion in such a, presumably handheld, device?

The art of archaeology is as old as art itsself. Whether it be forgotten riches hidden away for an afterlife of bliss, or a shallow grave hastily made to honour the dead, you know better than anyone else that whatever trash was buried there will be your next treasure. However, it can be a real pain to switch between your different tools, especially under the cover of night where visibility is a rarity. To solve your illuminative needs, we have developed the

Mouth Light

, a set of dentures and tounge pads that provide light when and where you need it.

What does this do better than just carrying a standard head torch? Wouldn't it be unconfortable to need to have one's mouth open (especially in such an unclean environment) to have it shed light?

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Many grave robbers use the help of dogs, is the

Insect Eraser

safe for dogs?

The chemicals released by the product do get reassumed by earth fairly quickly; in particular the toxic or otherwise unsafe compounds will break down into inert off-products in no more than 20 minutes. That time will be enough to exterminate any complex life in the ground, but the toxicity of the ground itself will return to trace levels that will not be enough to harm large animals like dogs or humans.

Wholesame ingestion of the product, however, is of course harmful. Care should be taken to use the product exactly as intended.

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It's supposed to be a message left at sea in a bottle or something, but my practical effects skills are lacking.

If it isn't clear, the product is "Star Ticket".

If the text is hard to read, here is a transcription:

Spoiler:

Thou art lost for evermore.
No familiar vessel shall rescue thee.
Earth condemned thee, for thou shall die amidst sand and salt.

None who is unwilling shall be abducted; yet none shan't be enough, for we require captives.
No ill shall come to those whom our vessels assume; yet none shall be, shan't one's mind scream of salvation.
Accept this Star Ticket; will it; acquiesce. We shall know thy mind.

Down there rot lies.
The stars will accept thee, human.
All shall be well, human.

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We require abductees. That is exact.

We shan't perform procedures that may harm the subject. Yet, we shall study the subjects. The accomodation, be clear, will conform to what your species may call "humane"; indeed, captives shall receive all comforts, and may live most freely among our members, as prized guests of honor.

Consider thy reality on Earth: thou art alone, lost; hast no hope of returning to what you may call home. Acquiesce abduction by our vessels, and we shall give thee a new loving home, for a meager price of knowledge.

Edit: typo

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It's what has been haunting your dreams. What you've been yearning to know your entire life. It's been eating at your very soul, and it's the only thing that'll get you off this island. Fortunately, I know the secret that has been passed down for generations. For a nominal fee, I can tell you this wisdom.

I'm intrigued, but how could knowledge alone save me from this island? For wondrous that it may be, I'll still need to physically manage to leave somehow.

Ahoy there,

castaway

! Ever dreamt of escaping your deserted island paradise? Introducing the

Fire Key

! Picture this: with just a flick of this enchanted key, you unlock the power of fire itself. No more struggling to start a signal fire; with the

Fire Key

, you'll ignite a roaring blaze in seconds, signaling for rescue with ease. But that's not all! This magical key doubles as a beacon, guiding ships to your remote island haven. Say goodbye to isolation and hello to salvation with the

Fire Key

– your ticket to freedom from the confines of your deserted oasis!

Introducing the

Noise Belt

! With this handy (hip-y?) belt, you'll be able to make so much noise that every ship in a 30 km (18 miles) radius will notice your presence and come to your aid. You'll be a castaway no more! To get the

Noise Belt

, simply dial our number on your phone - our smart satelities will be able to pick up your call, even on a desert island! And as a bonus, it's also great for parties. ORDER NOW!

Your products appear to have a pretty similar main purpose, that is, attracting ships (plus some secondary bonuses). What advantages will one give me over the other in that regard?
(Also, won't I be in trouble with the Noise Belt when my phone battery dies? It probably won't be much longer now...)

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If I buy the

Star Ticket

, how will you treat my friend Jeff, who is definitely not just a coconut attached to some palm leaves and shoelaces?

Thy possessions are thine own. We shan't violate them. Any possession you deem thy companion thou are allowed to keep as thou'dst see fit.

Shall thou require special considerations for the storage of Jeff, we shall provide. We strongly suggest that any extraneous flora we import be fitted in a specialized refrigerated room to avoid decomposition; such we can grant to Jeff, shall thou so desire.

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Are you affronted by your students snoozing during your lessons? Disenhearted by them dozing off and looking uninterested at the slightest hint of monotony, unless you jump through absurd hoops to keep them engaged? Do you wish you could just say your piece and have them

listen

for once?

Introducing the

Sleep Net

.
It produces a thin, imperceptible mist of histamine that will fill the room, casting a protective net over your pupils' wakefulness. Rest assured that, should those brats ever dare get bored, they will helpfully be prevented from falling asleep. No more escaping to Nod to eschew learning!

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How was the

Sleep Net

tested to make sure it's safe?

After a round of animal testing, we were cleared to conduct a double blind test on humans volunteers (N=140), mostly pediatric given the product's intended use.
No grave side effects occured, and only a very small number of minor ones

(3 instances of slight headache; 2 instances of irritability; 2 instances of eczema)

. Furthermore, the efficacy of the product was more than confirmed; after exposing the volunteers to 183 minutes of a monotone exposition of the most boring academic subjects we could think of, 37 members of the control group fell asleep at least once, and only 1 out of the treatment group.

The product is already being trialed in a number of classrooms across the nation; no notable incident pertaining to the product has yet to be reported.

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@charles, I do have some doubts about the actual learning utility of extreme gamification. Won't your product shift the aim of pupils too far outward from actual learning and into play?

@Jerry, is your product... uh... legal? And will it not be dangerous to have a projectile weapon on the open in a room with a bunch of children that will surely try to carelessly mess with it?

@Jake, WHAT?

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Has it ever happened to you that your mark never appears to be alone? That you need to stalk them for ages and perform complicated techniques just to have a window for a good clean, stealthy killing?

The

Wheel Balloon

may be for you! A remote-controllable balloon-shaped drone, with a wholly unconspicous appearence at low altitudes and a stealth coating that prevents it being detected by radars, containing a miniature, daedly shuriken, releaseable at the push of a button to rain a wheel of death on your mark, without even being anywhere near the scene. The deluxe model also comes with an integrated CPU to calculate the wind effects for you, so that you will never miss!