Snake Oil: Sale Five - Advertising Phase

[Jake The Wolfie]

/in as "Jake The Wolfie"

[Jake The Wolfie]

Hello. I'm William Afton, CEO of Afton Robotics, LLC. Here at Afton Robotics, we are dedicated to providing you with a wide variety of high-quality, advanced robotic solutions. In accordance with this, we are excited to announce our latest line of TechnoExos; the

Machine Friend

model comes integrated with our latest AiCore technology allowing for both smooth, humanlike motion and synthesized, intelligent speech. While such advanced technology would normally set you back hundreds of thousands of dollars, we will be offering a rent-to-own model starting at just over 3000 dollars each month.

This presentation created by Afton Robotics, LLC

[Jake The Wolfie]

For the

Fear Broom

™, is this effect ethical? It seems like things could go very wrong very fast if this products ends up in the wrong hands.

Does the

Lava Suit

have the capacity to set the enviroment, or more importantly the user on fire?

What sound does the

Scream Leash

make? Is it pleasant to the ear?

[Jake The Wolfie]

About the

Machine Friend

; I'm afraid it may just steal my mascot's job. If it does everything that I do on the field, what need there will be of me?

Ah, excellent question. While it is fully capable of performing your job exactly as you do it, this leaves you with the capacity to, say, invest in another costume and be a second mascot on the field.
If two mascots isn't to your taste, why not have it assist you off the field? While you're out and about performing as a mascot, you could have your

Machine Friend

washing and de-odourizing your other costumes. Just imagine how much time you could save that way.

Is the

Machine Friend

designed to replace the work of a mascot?

It is fully capable of replacing you on the field, if that is what you program it to do. Much like our previous, much older models (in collaboration with Fazbear Entertainment) they have a full range of movement whether in costume or out.

[Jake The Wolfie]

The art of archaeology is as old as art itsself. Whether it be forgotten riches hidden away for an afterlife of bliss, or a shallow grave hastily made to honour the dead, you know better than anyone else that whatever trash was buried there will be your next treasure. However, it can be a real pain to switch between your different tools, especially under the cover of night where visibility is a rarity. To solve your illuminative needs, we have developed the

Mouth Light

, a set of dentures and tounge pads that provide light when and where you need it.

[Jake The Wolfie]

What does this do better than just carrying a standard head torch? Wouldn't it be unconfortable to need to have one's mouth open (especially in such an unclean environment) to have it shed light?

You can turn the light off by closing your mouth, while most standard headlamps must be turned off with your otherwise occupied hands. This is most useful if your archaeological dig is not exactly legal and you need to avoid the guards.

Since the light can be emitted from both your teeth and tounge, you can keep the cavern of your face closed off by keeping your teeth together and resting your tounge against them.

[Jake The Wolfie]

How long does the

Mouth Light

battery last?

Oh, this one's interesting. Using bioelectric technology, we are able to tap into your body's own energy stores to charge the battery when not in active use. The device's own battery can store up to 2 hours of continuous use*, with a recharge time of 1 hour**.

*on lowest light level
**from 90% using bioelecticity, from 80% using USB-C

[Jake The Wolfie]

Apologies for the sudden disappearance, our previous Head of Advertisement and Sales was found dead shortly after posting "I'm literally dying right now" in response to an internet post. We should be ready for the next round of sales shortly.

[Jake The Wolfie]

Head Powder

, apply directly to the forehead.

Head Powder

, apply directly to the forehead.

Head Powder

, apply directly to the forehead.

Head Powder

, apply directly to the forehead.

[Jake The Wolfie]

How is

Head Powder

stored?

For maximal effect, store

Head Powder

in a cool, dry area when not applying directly to the forehead.

[Jake The Wolfie]

Does

Hormone Murder

have any long-lasting side effects?

[Jake The Wolfie]

If it can't be used at home, then how am I, a private housecall teacher, supposed to use it?

[Jake The Wolfie]

@Jake, WHAT?

To apply

Head Powder

, first take the product out of its' container, then rub the powder directly on your forehead for maximal effect. Repeat as needed.

[Jake The Wolfie]

No one wishes to buy my wares, for they see right through the deceit needed to sell them.

[Jake The Wolfie]

The

Glitter Bottle

makes an excellent distraction. It comes pre-loaded with a non-lethal explosive mechanism to create a cloud of glimmering confusion. With it's biodegradable material, you won't need to worry about it leaving a mark past a week, perfect for removing the evidence.

You already know where to buy it today!